Tax Time

Utah Jazz 100, New York Knicks 89
Los Angeles Lakers 120, New York Knicks 109

Ostensibly, the Zach Randolph swap last summer between the Knicks and the Trailblazers was a steal. New York got Randolph, while Portland got Channing Frye and an overpaid, washed-up Steve Francis that it cut almost immediately. As someone one said, you don't just give away 17-10 guys. But the Trailblazers were desperate to get Randolph off their court and out of their books, wanting to begin the new Greg Oden era without even a whiff of the old Jailblazers days.

And yet, the news from the Times yesterday was that Portland had the upper hand in the trade so far. The Times just had to rub it in. But remember, anytime Isiah Thomas is involved in a trade, you can usually put down good odds that he's the one who'll be screwed in the end.

Speaking of duplicitous, incompetent, misleading, prevaricating and just plain crazy GMs, Thomas has finally fessed up and intimated interest in trading for Jason Kidd. This is the same guy who has been insisting since December that he likes the team he has and doesn't want to move any of the pieces on Team Titanic II, the magnum opus he spent four years putting together. Two months and hundreds of denial ready, he's conceded that Curry/Randolph isn't the answer and wants a point guard who actually, you know, doesn't blow donkey guts.

And finally, here was this great tidbit from a press conference a few days ago:

"Our guys are still trying to carve out their turf in the league," Thomas said. "They haven't really gotten to the point where they're superstars." Thomas then paused a second and his shoulders dropped. "Now, I hate that I said that because your headline writers will write, 'Knicks Have No Superstars; Isiah's Crazy,'" he said. One reporter playfully retorted, "We say that anyway."

Now this is brilliant stuff. It's never good when a coach or player starts reading the papers too closely, especially in a place as harsh as New York. Well, the False Prophet has obviously begun to do so, and I like this new little paranoid side of him that's envisioning negative headlines.

Of course, all of this stuff is good news. But nowhere near as good as watching the Knicks collapse down the stretch against the Lakers and then lose a yawner the next night in Salt Lake City.

You are about to see Kobe Bryant make Jamal Crawford his bitch

So overall a wonderful little two-day stretch. And then it just got about a thousand times better when I saw this article in the Times. The city has apparently lost about $300 million in tax revenue because of a weird exception granted the Garden of Hate over 30 years ago. Now that's going to end because the City council voted 40-3 to end the loophole. It's these sort of little changes that wave the stick at MSG management (who am I kidding, these guys are richer than kings and even more cruel). Less money for James "Fredo" Dolan and more for NYC? Sounds good to me.

The great thing is that this sort of decision must have been affected by the Knicks' putrefaction over the past several years. It might not be an official reason, but it's impossible to imagine that the utter shittiness on display at the Garden didn't influence some council members, just as it must have influence some of the decision-makers in the Anucha Browne Sanders trial last summer.

Next up: Knicks at Trailblazers at 10:30 p.m. Friday.
Best-case scenario: Frye posts 20 points and 20 boards and then bitch slaps Zach Randolph during pregame handshakes.
Worst-case scenario: Randolph scores 50 while leading the Knicks to a win, then runs through downtown Portland, destroying the cityscape like some overgrown Godzilla as Isiah runs behind him yelling, "No, Zach, no!"

Knicks Hating

Golden State Warriors 106, New York Knicks 104
New York Knicks 89, Philadelphia 76ers 81

Isiah-in-Wonderland was on vacation over the weekend, so there was no time to sort through these two games. Things have gotten a bit scary with a 5-5 record (THE HORROR) over the past 10 games. Winning at a .500 clip is just not acceptable right now, but at least we're not facing anything quite as bad as that three-game winning streak at the moment.

On the other hand, the Knicks have only the sixth-worst record in the NBA right now at 14-29 and are only four games behind the Indiana Pacers for the eight and final playoff spot in the East. Now that's horrifying indeed.

Anyway, I'm not the only one who just can't stand the Knicks this season. Last week brought a fresh wave of assaults and insults. The first to speak up was Clippers head coach Mike Dunleavy, who used the Knicks as an example of bad management.

"I would only make deals to help our future. Anything else is suicide," Dunleavy told the Los Angeles Times. "Anything else and you become the New York Knicks."

It's good to know that the Knicks can now serve as one of those management and personnel case studies. Students of the NBA years from now will have a display of the 2007-8 Knicks up in their classroom as an example of exactly what not to do in putting together a team.

When Charles Oakley talks, you listen

The other insult was far more serious because it came from someone so close to home. Charles Oakley, one of the most beloved players in Knicks history had these comments to share last week:

"They don’t have a leader. A lot of the guys on the team don’t know how to play basketball. They don’t look like they’ve been playing basketball on a day-to-day basis. I don’t think they have a lot of talent. They have a lot of guys making money. That doesn’t mean you have talent."

And then:

"Randolph is just a double-double guy and [Curry] hasn’t been in shape in two or three years. They lose the same way, by 20, 30 points. If you’re going to lose, lose going out – bodies on the floor, making an effort on defense. If you lose 30-something games by the All-Star break, it’s a disgrace."

When Oakley speaks up, you listen. Oak was a man among boys when he played in New York, one of the toughest hombres on the court. He was fearsome and intense, a hard worker who never let the other team get an easy basket. The city went into mourning when he was traded to Toronto (even though that trade netted Marcus Camby and eventually worked out pretty well).

And Oakley's words count far more than anything I, the other critics, the media or the average can can conjure. So when he lashes out at a team and players like that, it's time to either step up or leave your pride at home for the rest of the season.

Next up: Knicks at Lakers at 10:30 p.m. Tuesday.
Best-case scenario: Kobe, feeling a bit ornery, scores all of his team's points in an 89-84 victory. The Knicks backcourt spontaneously explode in embarrassment.
Worst-case scenario: Without Bynum in their way, Curry and Randolph destroy Kwame Brown and pile on the points.

Q the Knife

Boston Celtics 109, New York Knicks 93

I missed this game, and apparently I also missed a few treats besides a solid loss. Howard Beck was quite sedate about the defeat, but Marc Berman put some gloss on it in his gamer: "It got so bad yesterday, the Knicks and Isiah Thomas were shown up by Celtics journeyman guard Eddie House and marginal center Kendrick Perkins."

Oh jeez, that must have been fun. According to Berman, this is how it went down:

"With 2:24 left in the Boston rout, House drained a right-corner 3-pointer in front of the Knicks' bench that put the Celtics up by 20 points. House turned to Thomas and shouted at him. In a rage, Thomas called timeout. When the huddle broke, Thomas led his five Knicks up the sidelines to midcourt as if they were looking for a street fight. Referee Joey Crawford talked to Thomas to settle him down."

In other words, this almost turned into Knicks-Nuggets II, which would have been a brilliant redux. And the False Prophet even let his mask of gentility/insanity slip during the postgame conference and let out a good curse. Alas, another opportunity for the Knicks to embarrass themselves before a national audience slips away. On the other hand, they lost by a lot. It may not have been 45 points, it wasn't even 20, but we'll take what we can get after last week's disgusting success.

And yet ...

And yet, how nice would it have been if Isiah had just started a flagrant brawl?

But there were still perks. Quentin Richardson and Paul Pierce got the double-ejection, with the Worstest apparently inviting Pierce for a postgame showdown outside. How disastrous would that have been for Q? Pierce has survived a knife attack and multiple stab wounds. Richardson is shorter, slighter and out of shape. And I can't quite see him in a Mack the Knife kind of role.

The Worstest is ready to throw down with Paul Pierce

Here's an idea, Q: How about you take that combativeness and sudden energy and try to buck up on the court? If you have the energy to fight, where's the energy to play defense, you miserable sack of shit. This is what I can't stand, and the same thing was evident during the fiasco with the Nuggets last season. You don't get the right to posture with false machismo if you're so pitiful that you can't put up a good effort more than once a week.

And Berman, of course, is pulling no punches these days. So he slipped this delectable morsel into his article: "Curry was god-awful defensively, out of position and removed after the Knicks fell behind 21-10 six minutes in."

Big Useless at his best.

By the way, Alan Hahn assures us that these recent wins mean exactly bupkus. Good to know this is all a facade of respectability.

Meanwhile, there was another imbroglio over fan discontent, as Berman recounted in his Knicks Notes roundup. The Garden of Hate's Big Brother-esque tactics have been both disappointing and hilarious so far - how long before someone holds up a sign at a game that says "2+2=5" - but this was the first time reporters got involved in some kind of fracas. I can just imagine how pissed Berman must have been when security jostled him.

The Knicks have to learn something about PR. They've already alienated all the fans and most of the media. But the media will turn around with a few wins. Reporters will never forgive this kind of bullshit, though.

But the most transcendent of all involved the False Prophet, of course. I don't even have a joke or commentary here. I'll let Berman do the honors in his blog:

"Weirdest moment came when Isiah lectured some of the writers for saying he was disappointed nobody asked him about Martin Luther King during his pregame availability with the media. One wiseguy journalist said later if he wanted us to ask him what MLK would have thought of Anucha."

Yup, those are the Knicks.

Isiah would love to talk about MLK, but don't bring up Anucha

Next up: 76ers at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. Friday.
Best-case scenario: Let's get that damn winning streak out of our minds with the beginning of a nice, long losing streak.
Worst-case scenario: Philly is 2.5 games ahead of the Knicks. If New York gets any closer, they might just wrest themselves out of the shitty tier of NBA teams and into the craptacular group.

The Big Grab Bag

New York Knicks 88, Miami Heat 84

Well, you can't lose them all. Especially when you're playing a team that is now 8-31, has lost 13 straight and has easily wrested the title of "most pitiful spectacle in the NBA" from the Knicks. Is there a Riley-in-Wonderland blog somewhere?

Then again, the Knicks also managed to lose to the Heat earlier this season even though Dwyane Wade was on the bench, so this is a bit rough. So a win is a win, and I don't feel like talking about it. Instead, let's go over a grab bag of good stuff from this week.

Everyone has started to recognize just how useless Eddy Curry is

• First, some nice news from Sports Illustrated, which recently polled 242 NBA players to find out who among them gets the least out of the most talent. The results left Eddy Curry - Big Useless himself - in third with seven percent of the vote. Kwame Brown got first place, followed by Tim Thomas, Curry and Vince Carter.
• The Knicks had an opportunity to win four straight on Friday but lost to the Wizards. The last time they had a winning streak that long was in January 2006.
• Some hilarious news from the Post: Someone has been having some fun with the Phoenix Suns' Leandro Barbosa. The talented Brazilian received a prank message saying that he was being traded to the Knicks and had to go see the GM. His reaction? Utter misery. "My heart was hurting," Barbosa told the East Valley Tribune in Phoenix. "I went a little crazy." In the NBA, New York has become the new Siberia.
• And finally, an interesting anecdote I heard from Mike Breen and Kenny Smith on an MSG telecast earlier this week. Apparently, the media was asking Isiah a lot of questions about Renaldo Balkman, who had contributed a lot to that short, much-heralded winning "streak." Zeke conceded that Balkman had been great, but then he was asked why he hadn't been playing him at all for so much of the season. Isiah declined to answer the question and told the reporter to ask Balkman instead. So when they went to Balkman, his reaction went something like this: "How the hell should I know why I wasn't playing? I'm not the coach - I don't make these decisions."
• The False Prophet is so bad that even Canada has started to notice.

Renaldo Balkman just can't catch a break

Next up: Celtics at Knicks at 1 p.m. Monday.
Best-case scenario: The last time these two played, the Knicks lost by 45. Something similar would be nice.
Worst-case scenario: This is just one of those must-lose scenarios. The Knicks can't afford a win against such a good opponent, so I'd like to say a win is the worst-case scenario. Then again, these are the Knicks, so let's just go with a close loss.

Let's Be Realistic ...

New York Knicks 105, Washington Wizards 93

The Knicks' win might have had something to do with Washington's ugly-ass uniforms

I turn my head for a few minutes, and the Knicks start kicking butt. Are the Knicks contagious? Can they infect other teams with their disease of inertia and apathy? It sure seemed that way against the Pistons on Sunday and the Wizards last night. Perhaps the best strategy for the Knicks is to rout the ventilation in the Garden of Hate to run from their locker room to their guests'. That way some airborne bacteria of crappiness can spread to everyone else.

I missed the first 11 minutes of the game last night. Then I turned on the TV and saw New York had a 28-12 lead. That was sure depressing. It's not just the good ball movement, the almost palpable sense of enjoyment among a few players, the downright friskiness of Renaldo Balkman and Nate Robinson or the ability to keep a lead. That's all bad enough. But then I see the numbers ... 26 assists and nine turnovers. Holy Shit. That sounds like a good team.

Let's be realistic here. The Knicks are not a good team. They're a crap team. They're a team sewn together from scraps of talent and a good deal of low-grade mortar. They belong in the D-League, where they'd probably get hammered by some hungry up-and-comers. No, they belong in Division 2. So no matter how good a pair of wins looks, remember that this is all counterproductive. This will not lead to any real changes.

The Post's Marc Berman, who has dropped all semblance of neutrality, has it right. The lede from his gamer read, "It's time for a contract extension!" Now that's the sarcasm I'm looking for. Unfortunately, it's a prospect scary because it could be true. Can't you see Fredo inking someone to a 17-year contract soon?

Next up: Knicks at Nets at 7:30 p.m. Wednesday.
Best-case scenario: PLEASE LET THE PAIN END! One loss, just one loss, please.
Worst-case scenario: The Knicks earn a - gasp - three-game winning streak. Zeus smites New York with a big thunderbolt, and Eddy Curry is elected mayor.

The Berman Trifecta

Toronto Raptors 99, New York Knicks 90

Chris Bosh goes medieval on the Knicks

Apparently, the Knicks lost last night. I wouldn't know for sure; I was too busy drinking. But all the papers say so. Either way, that's always welcome news.

But I'm far more excited about the Marc Berman's report in the Post that Isiah Thomas is considering leaving the bench and moving back up to the executive suite, despite all his vociferous, public denials.

According to the article, the False Prophet thinks most of his players go into games expecting to lose and he only likes three of them - Jamal Crawford, David Lee and Nate Robinson.

Now this is the sort of shit that drives me absolutely nuts. Of those three players, Crawford is the only one who starts. The others come off the bench. Look, I'm all for losing right now. But if Zeke had a non-stupid bone in his body or even one brain cell that was not tragically subpar, he might figure out that he should be starting the players who actually care about the game, especially since they're quite talented.

Of course, even though the prospect of Isiah canning himself as coach is delicious, it's a mere distraction - a band-aid placed on a festering wound. I am set on this point: The Knicks will never be good as long as Thomas (and most likely James Dolan as well) remains in charge.

Back to the game. I do regret missing this one because it apparently featured a nice little war of words between Zach Randolph and the False Prophet. Randolph, wonderfully enough, went scoreless, while Chris Bosh tomahawk slammed the Knicks into submission with 40 points.

I hope you enjoy this picture of the Evil Gnome in prime lumpy mode - look at those jowls

Has anyone noticed how well big men do against New York. First Yao Ming scores a season high, then Bosh falls two points short of his career high. Randolph, apparently, can't guard a cup of tea. As for his partner-in-crime, the Big Useless (Eddy Curry), he can't guard shit on a stick. And these are our two marquee players.

Berman, meanwhile, delivered the piece de resistance of his hat trick yesterday on his blog:

"Isiah Thomas called my story that stated he's considering removing himself from the bench to concentrate on the presidency 'a lie.' Isiah should know about lies because we've heard many of them for four years."

Ouch.

Also recommended: Alan Hahn's latest blog entry, which includes plenty of zingers for all the Knicks.

Next up: Pistons at Knicks at 7 p.m. on Sunday.
Best-case scenario: Rasheed Wallace drops 50 points, and Isiah responds by pulling both Curry and Randolph and then getting into a fight with them on the court.
Worst-case scenario: Zeke starts Lee and Robinson, and the Knicks respond with a 98-point win.

"Ooh, Zach missed a three-footer"

New York Knicks 105, Chicago Bulls 100

That's what Walt "Clyde" Frazier, the living legend, said at some point in the fourth quarter on Tuesday with an odd mix of shock and piquant pleasure, and unfortunately it was the highlight of the game. Zach Randolph turned in an atrocious performance, but Eddy Curry - Big Useless himself - looked downright frisky.

That's really all we needed now. Curry found his mojo, Stephon and the dumb bunch started moovin' and groovin' in crunch time and the Bulls promptly screwed the pooch and lost a 13-point lead. And to think how close we came to making it eight straight (losses) in '08. Hmm, that could be a catchy campaign slogan.

Like I said after the New York almost beat the Spurs last week, this had disaster potential. Thankfully, Chicago still played better most of the game and the Bulls are a crappy team (just not as bad as the Knicks). In other words, it might be time for James Dolan, the Evil Gnome, to hand the False Prophet another fat extension. After all, if Tim Curry's Mini-Me can express unending faith in his pet brown-noser after long losing streaks, lord knows what he'll do once his team actually wins a game.

Dolan is like a coked-out Scrooge McDuck with a chasm in his pockets. Open the bank vaults and let 'er rip, boys!

Don't worry folks, it's only a fool's gold win

Beyond the fact that the Knicks won (another small catastrophe), there was some fun moments. Mike Breen matched Clyde's wit with this chestnut at one point in the third quarter: "A lot of players have found their offensive game when playing the Knicks."

And then there was the surprise start for Quentin Richardson, the Mr. Worstest in the flesh, even though all the news accounts prior to the game said Isiah was sure to pull the plug. No matter - Q was just as shitty as usual.

And then, of course, the Bulls welcomed Zeke back with some true Bronx cheers.

Thankfully, Alan Hahn of Newsday provided some perspective:

"But really what do you want as a fan right now? The Knicks are 9-24, well out of playoff contention. We know they're a House of Cards, really. We know their offense doesn't have much creativity and their defense is suspect most of the time (the effort against the Bulls at the end of the game was solid, but remember the Bulls were without Luol Deng). We know the chemistry isn't quite there. So what do you make of these fool's gold wins? Do you really think, a week away from the mid-point of the season, that the Knicks can still make something of this season? Or do you think it's time to start playing young players and seeing what you have?"

A fool's gold win. I like that. Another interesting tidbit from Hahn: The Knicks submitted their lineup card last night with Renaldo Balkman's name written twice and Richardson's name omitted. Can you believe it? The Knicks are so bad they can't even write down their roster correctly.

Next up: Rockets at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. Wednesday.
Best-case scenario: Yao slams down the first 30-30 since ... I don't know, Moses Malone, Wilt Chamberlain?
Worst-case scenario: The Knicks have actually found their mojo.

The Worst Player on the Worst Team

That would be one Quentin Richardson. Surprised? Don't be. Despite all the bitching and moaning about Big Useless (also known as Eddy Curry) and the waste of space that is Jared Jeffries, the award for now goes to Q, or the Worstest as I shall call him from now on.

Richardson has somehow flown under the radar this season despite atrocious shooting that would get him benched in a youth rec league game. But the Times' Howard Beck called him out today with a sharp denunciation.

We all know the Richardson lost his jumper at some point on the trip to New York from Phoenix, but the revelation this season is how bad his defense is. It's honestly hard sometimes to blame any one player for the matador defense (as Walt "Clyde"Frazier would say) that the Knicks employ, but Beck points out that the Worstest has surrendered 22 points to Josh Howard (a great player) and 36 to Mike Dunleavy (not even close to great) this season.

And thanks for those John Hollinger numbers, too. The great stat maven gives Richardson a PER of 6.8, good enough for 284th in the NBA. And the mystery is why Isiah has stuck with him in the starting lineup for so long. When the False Prophet did shake things up by subbing in Jeffries last week, it was a surprise. To think of all those games when Renaldo Balkman might have started in his place.

The reason for all of this sudden attention is that Zeke is apparently ready to bench Q tonight, according to an article by Marc Berman of the Post. But the supposed reason for the change is that the player's hip hasn't been bothering him. Yeah, and I'm sure his all-encompassing crappiness has nothing to do with it.

Meanwhile, Isiah had this choice quote to offer yesterday when asked if he would consider concentrating solely on his presidential and GM duties: "I know I won't find a more passionate person and a more committed person to [coach] than myself."

Passionate and committed. Two valuable ingredients in the big recipe. Unfortunately, this dish is lacking intelligence and a sense of reality.

State of Denial

Who's crazier - Isiah Thomas or Jurgen Prochnow's

uber-stressed u-boat captain?

Was I the only one who watched Isiah Thomas' pre-game comments last night and wondered if the guy had officially lost it, if he actually was living in the wonderland of his battered mind? Apparently not. After seeing the False Prophet's face of grim certainty and Panglossian reverie on ultimate success, Howard Beck surpassed himself again. Sportswriters sometimes have to wear many hats - statistician, social commentator, figure of justice. After watching Isiah ramble on about winning championships and seeing the Knicks get spanked by the injury-ravaged Kings, Beck, the Times' beat writer, put on a shrink's hat and penned what literary folks might call a masterpiece of psychological realism, a profile of an unstable mind in limbo.

And to hear Isiah's ravings made me think of Jurgen Prochnow's u-boat captain's ominous intonation to his crew while dodging depth charges in "Das Boot":

"Now it gets psychological, friends."

Indeed. Beck's article was good enough to repeat in its entirety. Alas, for the sake of brevity, accept some substantial excerpts:

"Things are rarely as they seem in Thomas’s world. Possibly, it is because his own narration constantly diverges from the expected and the evident. The Knicks reached 2008 with 8 victories and 21 losses — among the worst New Year’s Day records in franchise history. Thomas entered the first game of 2008 talking about championships and legacies. He was not, as far as anyone could tell, attempting humor.
'I believe that one day that we will win a championship here. And I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. And I believe I’ll be a part of that. And as I sit here and I say it today, I know people will laugh even more at me. But I’m hellbent on getting this accomplished and making sure that we get it done. And I’m not leaving until we get it done.'
The statement was delivered with great conviction and a steady gaze, as most of Thomas’s soliloquies are. It is becoming increasingly difficult, however, to gauge the true weight of his words. Thomas has made a lot of firm-sounding statements recently, only to undermine them."

All of this was accompanied by four large photos on the front of the sports section showing various gametime expressions of the False Prophet, ranging from comatose to assured to distraught. Alongside, his comments were pull-quoted with the most egregious passages rendered in extra-large type. Moving on:

"So it should not necessarily have been surprising that Thomas, with his team on pace to set a franchise record for losses amid nightly calls for his dismissal, had a different — some would say absurd — perspective.
'I don’t necessarily just want to win a championship,' Thomas said. 'I want to leave something that’s going stand for a long time. I want to leave legacy, I want to leave tradition. I want to leave an imprint and a blueprint, in terms of how people play and how they coach and how they respond when they put on the Knick uniform. I want to leave what I left in Detroit. This is a dark time for us. But I know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.'"

I'm pretty sure that Isiah is the only one who sees that light, and that leads to another question - is the Isiah just like all the other false prophets of history: equal parts crazed and megalomaniacal. I asked a psychologist I know about his behavior, which has prominently included an insistence on all things positive while the surrounding world collapses and a startling absence of reality. The answer - a bad case of denial, perhaps a symptom of some underlying problem.

Isiah reminds me sometimes of a high school freshman in a class I once substituted in. She chattered along freely and volubly even though I asked her to shut up several times. When confronted, she denied that she had been talking, and I was forced to explain that thinking something is so does not make it so in reality. I think the False Prophet could benefit from a similar explanation. And now, the conclusion of Beck's gamer:

"'I believe we’re on the right path,' Thomas said. 'And I believe we have the right players. Our record doesn’t show that. But I’m not ready to give up on these players.' Then the true believer presided over his 22nd loss in 30 games, while a crowd of thousands chanted 'Fire Isiah.'"

While Isiah easily won quote-of-the-day honors, similar recognition should go to Eddy Curry, who responded with this when asked if he got a message from his coach after being benched last week:

“I don’t think I needed a message. But I got it, though. He could have told me. I respond well to conversation as well.”

As inept as Big Useless is at times on the court, one can never accuse him of being stupid or surly.

I'm not sure what the epigram at the bottom of this poster means, but I enjoy thinking of Isiah as the banana who insists on being an apple

While Beck scored the biggest points, the other Knicks beat writers had just as much fun picking Isiah apart. Marc Berman from the Post called it the coach's "most over-the-top performance yet" in an article titled "Thomas spouts delusional title talk."

Post columnist Mike Vaccaro was particularly gleeful:

"I WANT to live in Isiah Thomas' world. I do. I want to wake up in the morning, and even though the thermometer insists it's 23 degrees in the sun, you can walk the streets in your Bermudas and your tank top and your flip-flops and have to keep the sunscreen at the ready. I want to go to lunch, eat my hamburger and fries, then close my eyes really, really tight and convince myself that I've just consumed filet mignon and a side of lobster (with drawn butter). I want to step on the scale at my health club on the day after the holiday season ends and discover that I have - tada! - lost 25 pounds!

Vaccaro followed up that lede with 14 more paragraphs of the same. It needs to be read to be believed.

Mitch Lawrence of the Daily News, meanwhile, is having just as much fun as I am:

"Of all the nonsense Thomas has put forth during his four-plus years on the job, this might have been his strangest, saddest moment. Thomas didn't violate the Garden's media policy. He violated common sense, objective reality and something commonly referred to as the God's honest truth."

All of the New York area papers had similar write-ups, and there's no point listing them all. Just zip over to that links box on the upper right and have a belly of laughs while reading some of the local serial sarcasts go to town.

Another Disaster

Sacramento Kings 107, New York Knicks 97

I was very worried heading into the game against Sacramento on Wednesday night. The Kings were 11-18, missing their four best players (Ron Artest, Mike Bibby, Kevin Martin and Shareef Abdur-Rahim) and had not had a lead greater than 13 points during the entire season.

I shouldn't have fretted. Sacramento passed the 13-point mark in the second quarter, at which point the "Fire Isiah" chants began raining down. According to Walt "Clyde" Frazier and Mike Breen, it was the earliest in a game the ubiquitous chorus had started.

There's a consistent mediocrity, at times barely detectable, which can make you drift into a have while watching the Knicks. They're down by two points; blink your eyes twice, and the deficit has grown to 15. The Knicks were down by double digits early on and stayed there for the rest of the game, and I'm not entirely sure how it happened. That was an eminently winnable game, and the Kings are clearly not a good team. They would have collapsed in the second half if New York had not already given up.

That led to the depressing spectacle of Clyde and Breen spending the final 24 minutes discussing various ways in which the Knicks were a complete embarrassment. The latter provided this memorable comment midway through the third quarter:

"This crowd is just bored. They're not even booing anymore."

A moment later, John Salmons stole the ball and went down the open court for a relaxed reverse jam. The boos came cascading down again. By the end, Isiah looked ready to stick his head in the sand for a few centuries, Malik Rose begged his team to try harder and Zach Randolph got tossed for tossing his headband in frustration. Even the impressive return of Stephon Marbury was overshadowed by the mounds of crappiness stinking up the Garden. Rose, apparently, has publicly stated that the team simply doesn't care.

Compare that to the Sacramento starters (mostly backups until the stars got hurt), who looked like hardwood gods after playing the Knicks. Salmons accounted for 32 points, 11 boards, six assists and six steals. Francisco Garcia scored 22 points, and Brad Miller added 26 points and 16 rebounds.

Eddy Curry, meanwhile, came out "on fire" after the False Prophet decided to give up on his revamped lineup and go back to starting Curry and Randolph together. But even though Big Useless notched 15 points in the first quarter, his defense probably gave up 25, and he went 4 for 11 from the line.

In other words, it was one monumental, execrable performance. It's still early, but I think this team is special. The Knicks could end up being awful in unique and interesting ways. We are witnessing historic moments this season.

The moment that really stood out for me, though, was when Garcia dived into the baseline crowd while going after a loose ball. There were three minutes left in the game, and his team had a big lead. That's passion. The story of Mikki Moore offered a similar conclusion. As Frazier mentioned at one point, Moore went undrafted out of Nebraska and played in Greece, the CBA and the NBDL. He also got cut by seven different NBA teams. But he worked hard and persevered to the point where he's currently earning $6 mil per year from Sacramento, where he's a valuable contributor. Can you imagine if even one player on the Knicks had that kind of commitment and work ethic.

Next up: Knicks at Spurs at 8:30 p.m. on Friday.
Best-case scenario: While considering the matchup between the best and worst NBA teams of this decade, Isiah falls into a catatonic stupor and can't be moved from his hiding place under a chair in the locker room. The Knicks forfeit
Worst-case scenario: Umm, there is none. There is no way the Knicks will win this game.

Big Man Psychology

Chicago Bulls 100, New York Knicks 83

So with the shit hitting the fan as loss followed loss, the False Prophet pulled out this gem from his bag of tricks on Sunday - the old flip-flop switcharoo. After Isiah Thomas bungled his unvaunted lineup change on Wednesday, he came back with the inevitable correction against the Bulls: Zach Randolph plays, Eddy Curry sits.

And that made Howard Beck of the Times give us this:

"The day began with Curry out of the starting lineup for the first time in two seasons, the latest desperation move by Coach Isiah Thomas to break his team’s funk. The day ended with another rout — a 100-83 loss to the Chicago Bulls — followed by a tedious marathon interview at Curry’s locker stall, where he was asked 50 different ways about the benching while his teammates dressed and left. Curry said the demotion left him numb, which on balance seemed preferable to depressed. 'It definitely bugs me,' Curry said. 'I think I’m a starter in this league. But I guess not on this team.'"

There's something tragicomic about this exercise in pop psychology. Imagine the scene: Dozens of modern scribes gather round the bloated man-child of the moment, raining down questions as he offers sheer pathos in return.

Eddy Curry, Jamal Crawford and Stephon Marbury get their bench faces ready

And as Beck has done so wonderfully recently, that lede was followed with the most casual and subtle of putdowns. Where other writers scream their anger, Beck applies calculated disdain.

"Then again, Curry may just need to wait a few days for Thomas to change his mind again. Thomas has shaken up the lineup in two straight games, with two straight losses to show for it, and seems inclined to keep tinkering until something clicks. The Knicks (8-21) would seem to have little to lose anymore, aside from a few wispy strands of morale floating through the Madison Square Garden corridors. They lost four straight games and 10 of their last 12 to close out 2007, never showing any reason to believe they will be better in 2008."

In the meantime, the Knicks did their best to help new Bulls head coach Jim Boylan pull a Lawrence Frank. Maybe this is the break Chicago needed on the way to a playoff season.

Alan Hahn, incidentally, delivered this nice rant on Knicks Fix before gametime. It's enjoyable enough to copy almost in its entirety:

"When Isiah Thomas strolls into the Garden around 10:20 a.m. this morning -- barely 90 minutes before tip-off -- you can't help but wonder if a sense of urgency really exists at all. As Walt Clyde Frazier might say, now's the time for stressin' and obsessin'! Now's the time for dark circles under the eyes. Pulling out hair. Burning the candle at both ends. Sleeping in the office with video tape piled up around you. Now's not the time for giving two days off in between losses and after you threaten lineup changes.Now's not the time for inviting Roy Jones, Jr. into practice. Now's not the time to shuffle the lineup like a deck of cards without making sure every single player knows and understands what his new role will be in the change. I'm tossing the keys on the table here. Running out of things to blog at this point."

That's understandable. Hahn has been at this a lot longer than I have. But I'll trudge on in the meantime. Taking a daily dump on these fools who play for the Knicks is too much fun.

By the way, remember when Knicks-Bulls meant something special - the Garden going crazy, a super-intense matchup, a game that kept New York still for a few hours. Those memories are starting to get the dull patina of old age.

Next up: Kings at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday.
Best-case scenario - Ron Artest makes a triumphant return to New York by scoring 38 and shutting down Jamal Crawford so completely that Crawford announces his immediate retirement.
Worst-case scenario - Ron Artest demands a trade to the Knicks and promises to pump some life back into the team.

Bad Curry

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Big Useless

One more thing about Eddy Curry. 82games.com did some individual defensive rankings back in summer 2005. Among the 43 centers ranked according to their defensive contributions, Curry was 38th, right ahead of Mark Blount and just behind Nazr Mohammed. Yeah, that was two years ago, but it's still a good indication of how worthless Curry is.

So let's go over this one final time. Curry doesn't play defense (Scott Skiles, his former head coach with the Chicago Bulls, once said he needed to put more effort into jumping), is a lackluster rebounder and is one of the biggest turnover machines in the NBA. He also has a big contract doling out $12 million per year, the worst +/- on the Knicks, a heart problem and no apparent desire to try harder.

And for all this, the Knicks gave up Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, a first-rounder in 2006 that became Tyrus Thomas, the switcharoo in the 2007 first round that netted Joakim Noah for Chicago, a second-rounder last summer that eventually became Kyrylo Fesenko and a second-rounder in the 2009 draft. In other words, the Knicks won't be done paying for this trade until 2009.

So to go with his nickname King of Turnovers, I hereby also decree that Curry shall be known as Big Useless.

82 Games

Zach Randolph, the best player on the
Knicks, according to 82games.com

Remember that graphic from the Times a few days ago, the one that showed how Curry and Randolph played together using +/- data? It came from a site called 82games.com. I've now placed that site's Knicks page in my links at right.

Reading through it is a fun statistical excursion, with some interesting results. The two Knicks with the best ratings on the site are rookies Wilson Chandler and Randolph Morris, who both basically never play. So eliminating the garbage-time kids from the equation, only three players have a positive rating: Zach Randolph at 2.2, Jamal Crawford at 2.1 and David Lee at 1.3.

The rest of the Knicks? Well, they just are bad for the team statiscally. Mardy Collins bottoms out in the ratings at -21.5, while Malik Rose follows at -11.5. But those two don't play much, earning only 9 and 11% of burn time on the floor. The third worst player is a starter, though - Quentin Richardson, trailing the pack with a rating of -8.0. To provide some context, Spencer Hawes of the Sacramento Kings has the same rating. Players like the Hornets' Hilton Armstrong and the Bucks' Royal Ivey are a little bit ahead.

As for Randolph's team-leading 2.2, that's just a tad behind what Ime Udoka is doing for the Spurs.

Despite his low rating, Rose leads the Knicks in +/- with 22, though his playing time could easily make that a statistical anomaly. Only two other players are on the plus side, and they are - you guessed it - the seldom seen rookies again. Eddy Curry brings up the rear with an abysmal mark of -196, despite being on the floor only 54% of the time.

The site also provides stats for five-man groups to see who plays best together. Four of the top five quintets have a negative +/-. The lone exception is the group of Crawford, Fred Jones, Richardson (which is really surprising), Lee and Randolph.

Eddy Curry, "King of Turnovers"

And best of all, 82games just completely savages Curry. If the analysis is correct, he might just be the most useless player in the league considering his exorbitant salary. And that's not even taking into account his heart problems (medical) and his heart problems (motivational).

In an article from last March/April, Curry had the most offensive fouls in the league with 68 (far ahead of runner-up Amare Stoudemire). Randolph, incidentally, was third. Curry was also eighth in "lost-ball" turnovers (Randolph tied for ninth) and first in three-second violations with a stunning 34. 82games promptly gave him the title "King of Turnovers."

On a sidenote, Jamal Crawford was revealed as a particularly risky ballhandler. He led the NBA in palming violations and tied for sixth in double dribbles.

Assuming the Worst

Orlando Magic 110, New York Knicks 96

It's not often that sportswriters go to a game assuming one of the coaches is an idiot. Despite any notions of impartiality, sportswriters certainly have some assumptions: Peyton Manning is a good passer, Bill Belichick knows what he's doing, Tiger Woods will probably pull away down the stretch.

But you don't see this often: The head coach is a raging moron, and we should have expected the worst.

But the age of caution is long gone in New York, especially when the Knicks are concerned. And sportswriters are gleefully unleashing some verbal uppercuts. The Post weighed in most savagely after Wednesday's loss to the Magic, with writer Marc Berman delivering this lede:

"Isiah Thomas' ballyhooed changes to the starting lineup last night caused more chaos and confusion."

But the article didn't end there. The hits just kept coming:

"With Thomas taking another page from the 'how-to-get-fired' handbook, the Knicks (8-20) notched their 20th loss last night, folding in the fourth quarter in a 110-96 defeat to the Magic at Amway Arena. The only thing Thomas accomplished was Curry and Randolph weren't on the court together all night. In the land of make-believe, this was unbelievable even by Thomas standards. After two days, Thomas stuck with his new starting lineup for two minutes. Then he had an entirely new alignment to start the second half. ... But after Curry picked up two fouls 2:06 into the game, Randolph was inserted and Curry was not heard from again. That is, until the start of the fourth quarter, when Thomas inexplicably attempted to defrost Curry, who was shocked to be put back in."

"How-to-get-fired" handbook, land of make-believer, defrost Curry - that's enough vitriol to make me giggle with pleasure. Add to that the hyperbolic, punny header: "Magic Kingdumb," followed by the equally insulting sub-headline, "Isiah Bungles Lineup Shakeup in Orlando." My only regret is that I didn't actually see the game, my night being occupied with prior plans.

Ken Berger of Newsday delivered an almost equally vicious lede in his gamer:

"Only the Knicks could make a drastic lineup change and have it blow up in their face in two minutes and six seconds. Only the Knicks could bench the wrong big man, anger both of them, bring the guy who should have been benched to begin with into the game after he'd sat for 34 minutes, and turn a three-point game into a blowout in the first 2 1/2 minutes of the fourth quarter. Confused? So are the Knicks. So, evidently, is the coach. Nothing makes sense with this team anymore, not after last night's inexplicable 110-96 loss to the Orlando Magic. 'We're all just trying to find answers here,' Knicks coach Isiah Thomas said. Sure. Wrong ones."

Howard Beck of the Times was a little more sedate, but even he had to offer some criticism:

"Coach Isiah Thomas furiously shuffled bodies all night in a vain search for an identity on a team that has none."

With blows this voluble landing, it seems fair to ask if the sportswriters were piling on. The answer is simple - of course they were, and the Knicks deserved it. What's more, piling on is fun in this situation. It's what this blog is dedicated to.

My last question was will Curry bit the dust? I'm still not sure if the answer is yes or no. Despite pre-game speculation almost unanimous on a switch of Curry for David Lee, Isiah kept Curry in the lineup over the far more productive Randolph, who was benched for Lee. But then Curry played less than five minutes overall, giving way to Randolph, who played most of the game and provided plenty of offense.

The other lineup change was even more surprising as the False Prophet put in Jared Jeffries for Fred Jones. No matter what Jones has done wrong over the past month, I think just about everyone knows that Jeffries is not the answer.

The important thing is that the Knicks are 8-20. Unfortunately, the pack of terrible teams is large this year, but New York has a good opportunity to secure the title of "Worst in the East" soon. The Knicks' biggest rival now is the Miami Heat, who are a half-game back.

Next up: Bulls at Knicks at noon on Sunday.
Best-case scenario - Jim Boylan's rise to head coach spurs the Bulls to a 40-point win. Buoyed by the success, the Bulls go on to sweep the Knicks over the season, ending with Viktor Khryapa dropping 60 points in a couple of months.
Worst-case scenario - The Knicks are so impressed they decide to trade their next two first-round picks for Viktor Khryapa.

Will Curry Bite the Dust?

So by tomorrow morning's shootaround, we will all know what the hullabaloo's all about. Isiah Thomas admitted after the loss on Sunday to the Lakers that it was time to shake things up in the starting lineup.

Cue the thunder and drama. Almost all observers have assumed that Eddy Curry will get the hook and be replaced as a starter by David Lee. Unfortunately, this development has the real and very scary potential of actually improving the Knicks.

I mean, that's quite a notion - the only player on the team who clearly cares about winning should start. It only took Isiah four seasons to figure out that in the pampered NBA superstar universe, a big difference in effort and motivation trumps a small difference in talent.

Anyway, I enjoyed this article from the Times' Howard Beck about the problems of playing Curry and Zach Randolph (above left) at the same time. Some of the nice tidbits:

"Randolph (a power forward) and Curry (a center) are, of course, not the team’s only problems. The Knicks are terrible defensively, and have been for several seasons. They are stocked with gifted one-on-one scorers who struggle to mesh in a team game. They lack a true, undisputed leader."
...
"Thomas has promoted the idea that Randolph’s outside shooting ability makes him a complementary player to Curry. But all three scouts interviewed for this article disagreed."
...
"All three scouts recommended moving Curry or Randolph to the bench and minimizing their minutes together. Only one of the three scouts expressed any belief that the tandem might improve over time. Then again, the Knicks’ problems may be much bigger than their big men. The Pacific Division scout said the Knicks simply lacked an identity. 'Certain teams, you know what they do,' said the scout, pointing to Washington (which runs the Princeton motion offense) and New Orleans (pick-and-rolls with Chris Paul), among others. 'Everyone has principles or cores. New York, they’ve got a lot of individual offensive talent, but they don’t have, it seems to me, any principles, any cores.'"

No principles, no cores. That's a nice summary of the state of things in New York.

The graphic (above) that accompanied the article was also interesting. It's about time plus/minus was regularly calculated as an NBA stat like it is for hockey. Curry's mark of -11 overall and -16 while playing without Randolph is simply astonishing. He's also been on the negative side during every season in his career.

"And at 6:04 of the third quarter ...

Los Angeles Lakers 95, New York Knicks 90

... we hear the first 'Fire Isiah' chants of the night."

So sayeth Al Trautwig, who stepped in for rare play-by-play duties beside Walt "Clyde" Frazier. Trautwig is always welcome. When he or Mike Breen are paired with Frazier, the game often sounds more like a baseball game (no, that doesn't mean it's boring). All three are comfortable and practiced enough to provide rigorous analysis while providing background information, stories and general thoughts about the players, teams and league.

But to get back to the point, I'm surprised it took that long given how lackluster the Knicks were throughout the early going. That deficit hit double digits early on and got up to 25 fairly quickly in the third quarter.

But once again, the Knicks had just enough life to avoid another juicy blowout and not nearly enough balls/clutchness/non-crapitude to take the final step and get a win.

Whew. The Knicks can't afford any wins right now. Isiah Thomas might get another contract extension.

My favorite part of the game, of course, was Clyde and Trautwig's discussion of how the Knicks players obviously don't give two shits. The venerable duo said they'd rarely seen a team so enervated and that opposing players were even beginning to comment on how lifeless New York seemed. As Clyde noted, players rarely criticize opposing players for not trying hard. The Knicks, it seems, are just so bad that other teams can't help but say something.

So Crawford shook off his phase of suckiness from the first half (remember that airball on the trey attempt) and netted 31 points. I still say he's a waste of talent.

Kobe Bryant was the true star, making all the big plays at the right times. He poured on 39 points, passing the 20,000 mark for his career in the third quarter as the youngest ever to do so. He also had 11 rebounds and eight assists and could have put together a triple-double if he wanted one.

Another highlight was Clyde saying that Eddy Curry could take advantage of his mismatch with Andrew Bynum because of the Lakers center's youth and inexperience. That was followed by Bynum promptly swatting away a weak shot by Curry, who spent most of the second half on the bench as usual. He's also in the picture above, presumably getting another shot blocked.

And then there was the final play, such a big screw-up and one of those moments of hilarious stupidity that only the Knicks could have made it happen.

From Bart Hubbuch's gamer in the Post:
"The Knicks' final sequence yesterday was poorly designed and even more poorly executed. In other words, it was a microcosm of their miserable season."

Well put.

Next up: Knicks at Magic at 7 p.m. on Wednesday.
Best-case scenario - Isiah cuts half of the roster then signs himself as a point guard, starting the game on the floor and then promptly tearing up his knee. His injury helps the Knicks rally Willis Reed-style to a two-point, triple-OT loss.
Worst-case scenario - Dwight Howard breaks Wilt Chamberlain's record of 55 rebounds in a game, finishing with 73 boards. He then swells into a new Godzilla-like creature and battles Matthew Broderick in the Garden's catacombs while trying to lay eggs.