Ewoks Are My Only Solace

New York Knicks 111, New Jersey Nets 105

I'm just to upset about this game to write much of anything. All I know is that some wins had to come at some point. Look, we can all just weather this stretch together and get to losing soon. As Howard Beck noted in the Times, "There is rarely anything rational to the Knicks’ rhythms."

But a third win in a row wasn't the only bit of surprising news. Behold, Ken Berger's sarcastic column in Newsday:

"Isiah Thomas said before last night's game - brace yourself - that the Knicks' plan is to avoid taking on more salary so they can get their cap number and luxury-tax bill under control. What? Is the world about to end? Is Britney Spears joining a convent? Will Tim Donaghy reveal at his sentencing hearing next week that every Knicks game he officiated in the past four years was fixed and the franchise will have to fold? What is going on here? The Knicks, concerned about spending money?"

The Knicks represent all that is gaudy and a bit disgusting in New York, playground of the super-rich and their overpriced proclivities. How else to explain the contracts Jerome James and Jared Jeffries received.

And since I have nothing else to add, here's a picture of James Dolan and an Ewok, that fuzzy ball of vomit/fur. You can bet your life that a nickname will come of this. Making fun of Fredo/The Evil Gnome/Tim Curry's Mini-Me never gets old.


Next up: Knicks at Wizards at 7 p.m. Friday.
Best-case scenario: This is an easy one. A loss, a big loss, a rim-rattling loss, a drive-by shooting loss, a gargantuan blowout loss followed by many tears and much rending of garments.
Worst-case scenario: The Wizards blew donkey goats against the Knicks earlier this week, so I'm very worried. Now that we know how bad a Knicks winning streak (by the way, just for the record, outside of New York three wins is considered not nearly impressive enough to define as a streak), can you imagine the horror of a rout?

The Worst Player on the Worst Team

That would be one Quentin Richardson. Surprised? Don't be. Despite all the bitching and moaning about Big Useless (also known as Eddy Curry) and the waste of space that is Jared Jeffries, the award for now goes to Q, or the Worstest as I shall call him from now on.

Richardson has somehow flown under the radar this season despite atrocious shooting that would get him benched in a youth rec league game. But the Times' Howard Beck called him out today with a sharp denunciation.

We all know the Richardson lost his jumper at some point on the trip to New York from Phoenix, but the revelation this season is how bad his defense is. It's honestly hard sometimes to blame any one player for the matador defense (as Walt "Clyde"Frazier would say) that the Knicks employ, but Beck points out that the Worstest has surrendered 22 points to Josh Howard (a great player) and 36 to Mike Dunleavy (not even close to great) this season.

And thanks for those John Hollinger numbers, too. The great stat maven gives Richardson a PER of 6.8, good enough for 284th in the NBA. And the mystery is why Isiah has stuck with him in the starting lineup for so long. When the False Prophet did shake things up by subbing in Jeffries last week, it was a surprise. To think of all those games when Renaldo Balkman might have started in his place.

The reason for all of this sudden attention is that Zeke is apparently ready to bench Q tonight, according to an article by Marc Berman of the Post. But the supposed reason for the change is that the player's hip hasn't been bothering him. Yeah, and I'm sure his all-encompassing crappiness has nothing to do with it.

Meanwhile, Isiah had this choice quote to offer yesterday when asked if he would consider concentrating solely on his presidential and GM duties: "I know I won't find a more passionate person and a more committed person to [coach] than myself."

Passionate and committed. Two valuable ingredients in the big recipe. Unfortunately, this dish is lacking intelligence and a sense of reality.

387 Days

The brawl that started it all

Do you know what today is? It's Jan. 7, 2008, which marks this as the 387-day anniversary of the Knicks-Nuggets brawl. Let's mark the occasion by printing my column of Dec. 26, 2006 from the North Adams Transcript:

Some of my friends have said they're embarrassed to be New York Knicks fans recently. Forget them. I'll always be proud to be a Knicks fan. What other team has such a ballyhooed history despite winning only two championship in its 60 years of existence? But there's no denying that the team is a complete embarrassment now. "Let them at least be incredibly bad so I can indulge my sports masochism."

Remember that? Probably not. It's what I wrote in the Aug. 18 edition of the Transcript, hoping to provide a definitive statement on the most moribund sports franchise of our present age.

But after the fracas between the Knicks and Denver Nuggets on Dec. 16, I have realized that there may be no way to produce a complete analysis of the pathetic status of the Knicks. Like U.S. presidents and the works of William Shakespeare, the team may require years, even decades of contemplation before reaching any conclusions.

I have now watched Saturday's fight several dozen times and cannot find a single redeeming aspect of the scandal for the Knicks. The team's attempt to have it out with the Nuggets provided just another view into its all-encompassing and disastrous incompetence. New York basketball fans now know this: the Knicks can't even fight well, much less play hoops well.

Any discussion of the New York-Denver melee requires a primer on previous NBA fights. The riot that took place when the Indiana Pacers visited the Detroit Pistons two years ago is most recent. That featured a rapid escalation of violence between a bunch of notorious troublemakers, most notably Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest. It also included plentiful participation by the crowd, from the fellow who threw a cup of beer on Artest to the guy who got KO'd by the Pacers' Jermaine O'Neal.

Saturday's fight offered nothing similar. New York's Nate Robinson and Denver's J.R. Smith crashed into the first few rows at one point, and Robinson put forth a good example of general insanity. But Smith and Robinson produced little that could compare to the antics of the Pacers and the Pistons two years ago.

The most infamous NBA fight, of course, took place in 1977 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Houston Rockets. That one featured a roundhouse from Los Angeles' Kermit Washington that decked Houston's Rudy Tomjanovich. The punch knocked Tomjanovich unconscious and damaged his skull so badly that spinal fluid began leaking into his mouth.

Obviously, that incident was far more serious than anything that happened Saturday, and it should not be joked about. But, in comparison, it is worth noting that the only injury suffered from the Denver-New York brawl was reportedly a slight scratch to Knicks forward Jared Jeffries' cheek. That slight wound revealed just how pathetic and hollow all the macho posturing of the players was. For all their show of rage and indignation, the most damage they could do was one tiny, skin-deep abrasion. All that trash talk and public vitriol was merely for show and self-aggrandizement.

My favorite fight was the one that took place between the Knicks and the Miami Heat during the second round of the 1997 playoffs. Up 3-1 in the best-of-seven series, New York was derailed when Miami forward P.J. Brown flipped and body slammed Knicks point guard Charlie Ward in the waning moments of game 5.

Brown was suspended for five games, but he was the only member of the Heat punished. New York had six players suspended, most of them for simply wandering off the bench to get a better look at the fight. Playing without many of their stars, the Knicks dropped the next two games and were eliminated.

It was certainly an ignominious moment in Knicks history, but it was also the product of a period when New York was an annual contender for the championship and shared a heated rivalry with Miami on the basis of four straight playoff matchups from 1997-2000 (After the first year, the Knicks won the next three series). That fight nine years ago was the product of some intense pride and animosity between two franchises.

The brawl two Saturdays ago was the result of some intense egotism.

"They wanted to embarrass us," Robinson said, explaining that he believed Denver was trying to run up the score. "It was a slap in the face to us as a team and a franchise and we weren't going to let that happen."

By escalating what might have been a small scuffle into a genuine fight with some flimsy punches and ardent chest-pounding, Robinson provided a slap of his own to the franchise's pride and integrity.

New York head coach Isiah Thomas was no less guilty. He admitted warning Denver's Carmelo Anthony, who embarrassed himself with a sucker punch and hasty retreat, not to go near the basket a minute before the fight broke out. Despite this indication that he ordered Mardy Collins to commit the hard foul that initiated the brouhaha, Thomas was ludicrously exonerated by the NBA.

"They were having their way with us pretty good," Thomas said. "I think J.R. Smith had just made one dunk where he reverses it and spins in the air. I thought that Mardy didn't want to have our home crowd see that again and he fouled him."

No, Isiah, what the crowd didn't want to see was a pathetic group of Knicks act in a way that only emphasized how pitiful they are. The crowd didn't want to see a team that, after the Los Angeles Clippers and the Cincinnati Bengals made the playoffs last season, is undoubtedly the worst professional sports franchise in the country.

Most of all, the crowd wants to see a Knicks squad that matters again. One that plays with heart and pride. And if that pride leads to some conflict, at least a team that can actually carry out a fight instead of producing meaningless sound and fury.

Assuming the Worst

Orlando Magic 110, New York Knicks 96

It's not often that sportswriters go to a game assuming one of the coaches is an idiot. Despite any notions of impartiality, sportswriters certainly have some assumptions: Peyton Manning is a good passer, Bill Belichick knows what he's doing, Tiger Woods will probably pull away down the stretch.

But you don't see this often: The head coach is a raging moron, and we should have expected the worst.

But the age of caution is long gone in New York, especially when the Knicks are concerned. And sportswriters are gleefully unleashing some verbal uppercuts. The Post weighed in most savagely after Wednesday's loss to the Magic, with writer Marc Berman delivering this lede:

"Isiah Thomas' ballyhooed changes to the starting lineup last night caused more chaos and confusion."

But the article didn't end there. The hits just kept coming:

"With Thomas taking another page from the 'how-to-get-fired' handbook, the Knicks (8-20) notched their 20th loss last night, folding in the fourth quarter in a 110-96 defeat to the Magic at Amway Arena. The only thing Thomas accomplished was Curry and Randolph weren't on the court together all night. In the land of make-believe, this was unbelievable even by Thomas standards. After two days, Thomas stuck with his new starting lineup for two minutes. Then he had an entirely new alignment to start the second half. ... But after Curry picked up two fouls 2:06 into the game, Randolph was inserted and Curry was not heard from again. That is, until the start of the fourth quarter, when Thomas inexplicably attempted to defrost Curry, who was shocked to be put back in."

"How-to-get-fired" handbook, land of make-believer, defrost Curry - that's enough vitriol to make me giggle with pleasure. Add to that the hyperbolic, punny header: "Magic Kingdumb," followed by the equally insulting sub-headline, "Isiah Bungles Lineup Shakeup in Orlando." My only regret is that I didn't actually see the game, my night being occupied with prior plans.

Ken Berger of Newsday delivered an almost equally vicious lede in his gamer:

"Only the Knicks could make a drastic lineup change and have it blow up in their face in two minutes and six seconds. Only the Knicks could bench the wrong big man, anger both of them, bring the guy who should have been benched to begin with into the game after he'd sat for 34 minutes, and turn a three-point game into a blowout in the first 2 1/2 minutes of the fourth quarter. Confused? So are the Knicks. So, evidently, is the coach. Nothing makes sense with this team anymore, not after last night's inexplicable 110-96 loss to the Orlando Magic. 'We're all just trying to find answers here,' Knicks coach Isiah Thomas said. Sure. Wrong ones."

Howard Beck of the Times was a little more sedate, but even he had to offer some criticism:

"Coach Isiah Thomas furiously shuffled bodies all night in a vain search for an identity on a team that has none."

With blows this voluble landing, it seems fair to ask if the sportswriters were piling on. The answer is simple - of course they were, and the Knicks deserved it. What's more, piling on is fun in this situation. It's what this blog is dedicated to.

My last question was will Curry bit the dust? I'm still not sure if the answer is yes or no. Despite pre-game speculation almost unanimous on a switch of Curry for David Lee, Isiah kept Curry in the lineup over the far more productive Randolph, who was benched for Lee. But then Curry played less than five minutes overall, giving way to Randolph, who played most of the game and provided plenty of offense.

The other lineup change was even more surprising as the False Prophet put in Jared Jeffries for Fred Jones. No matter what Jones has done wrong over the past month, I think just about everyone knows that Jeffries is not the answer.

The important thing is that the Knicks are 8-20. Unfortunately, the pack of terrible teams is large this year, but New York has a good opportunity to secure the title of "Worst in the East" soon. The Knicks' biggest rival now is the Miami Heat, who are a half-game back.

Next up: Bulls at Knicks at noon on Sunday.
Best-case scenario - Jim Boylan's rise to head coach spurs the Bulls to a 40-point win. Buoyed by the success, the Bulls go on to sweep the Knicks over the season, ending with Viktor Khryapa dropping 60 points in a couple of months.
Worst-case scenario - The Knicks are so impressed they decide to trade their next two first-round picks for Viktor Khryapa.

Hail the Daily News

In keeping with the theme of Isiah Thomas' four-year anniversary over the weekend, check out this retrospective by Frank Isola of the Daily News. It opens with one of those classic attempts by Isiah to rationalize the mess he created:

"We started from deep, deep, deep in the hole. We started with a cap number that was probably the highest of any NBA team in history and a low talent level and a building that was empty. Now we have a building that is full, probably one of the most profitable franchises in the NBA. Our cap number's down and our talent base is good. We're young, we're improving and we still have a lot of room for growth. Now we've got to put some wins on the other side of the ledger."

Ah yes, winning - that's the only accomplishment Isiah and the Knicks are missing. Too goddamn bad it's the only important one. And by the way, what's the salary number now? Is Isiah even aware that the NBA has a luxury tax and not a salary cap?

Isola's column is a nice, albeit brief look back at four years that could be a primer on how to suck in the NBA. Some of the Isiah's early, stupid moves are now quite forgotten after the fiascos of Jerome James and Jared Jeffries in the past year. But Isola reminds us of the idiocy of yesteryear, highlighting such personnel gems as the Steve Francis acquisition. Good times. It also included a few moves I didn't know about, like Isiah firing Mike Saunders.

It's always fun to trash something in print (witness this blog). That's why movie critics love what they do. They find new putdowns for the latest on-screen dreck. But it's tough to rail against Isiah in an interesting and fresh way after people have been doing it for four years. That's why I liked Isola's column.


Also, major props to the Daily News for those "Fire Isiah" tearaway pages (pictured above). Yeah, it might not be impartial, but aren't we a little past that by now?