The Big Grab Bag

New York Knicks 88, Miami Heat 84

Well, you can't lose them all. Especially when you're playing a team that is now 8-31, has lost 13 straight and has easily wrested the title of "most pitiful spectacle in the NBA" from the Knicks. Is there a Riley-in-Wonderland blog somewhere?

Then again, the Knicks also managed to lose to the Heat earlier this season even though Dwyane Wade was on the bench, so this is a bit rough. So a win is a win, and I don't feel like talking about it. Instead, let's go over a grab bag of good stuff from this week.

Everyone has started to recognize just how useless Eddy Curry is

• First, some nice news from Sports Illustrated, which recently polled 242 NBA players to find out who among them gets the least out of the most talent. The results left Eddy Curry - Big Useless himself - in third with seven percent of the vote. Kwame Brown got first place, followed by Tim Thomas, Curry and Vince Carter.
• The Knicks had an opportunity to win four straight on Friday but lost to the Wizards. The last time they had a winning streak that long was in January 2006.
• Some hilarious news from the Post: Someone has been having some fun with the Phoenix Suns' Leandro Barbosa. The talented Brazilian received a prank message saying that he was being traded to the Knicks and had to go see the GM. His reaction? Utter misery. "My heart was hurting," Barbosa told the East Valley Tribune in Phoenix. "I went a little crazy." In the NBA, New York has become the new Siberia.
• And finally, an interesting anecdote I heard from Mike Breen and Kenny Smith on an MSG telecast earlier this week. Apparently, the media was asking Isiah a lot of questions about Renaldo Balkman, who had contributed a lot to that short, much-heralded winning "streak." Zeke conceded that Balkman had been great, but then he was asked why he hadn't been playing him at all for so much of the season. Isiah declined to answer the question and told the reporter to ask Balkman instead. So when they went to Balkman, his reaction went something like this: "How the hell should I know why I wasn't playing? I'm not the coach - I don't make these decisions."
• The False Prophet is so bad that even Canada has started to notice.

Renaldo Balkman just can't catch a break

Next up: Celtics at Knicks at 1 p.m. Monday.
Best-case scenario: The last time these two played, the Knicks lost by 45. Something similar would be nice.
Worst-case scenario: This is just one of those must-lose scenarios. The Knicks can't afford a win against such a good opponent, so I'd like to say a win is the worst-case scenario. Then again, these are the Knicks, so let's just go with a close loss.

Let's Be Realistic ...

New York Knicks 105, Washington Wizards 93

The Knicks' win might have had something to do with Washington's ugly-ass uniforms

I turn my head for a few minutes, and the Knicks start kicking butt. Are the Knicks contagious? Can they infect other teams with their disease of inertia and apathy? It sure seemed that way against the Pistons on Sunday and the Wizards last night. Perhaps the best strategy for the Knicks is to rout the ventilation in the Garden of Hate to run from their locker room to their guests'. That way some airborne bacteria of crappiness can spread to everyone else.

I missed the first 11 minutes of the game last night. Then I turned on the TV and saw New York had a 28-12 lead. That was sure depressing. It's not just the good ball movement, the almost palpable sense of enjoyment among a few players, the downright friskiness of Renaldo Balkman and Nate Robinson or the ability to keep a lead. That's all bad enough. But then I see the numbers ... 26 assists and nine turnovers. Holy Shit. That sounds like a good team.

Let's be realistic here. The Knicks are not a good team. They're a crap team. They're a team sewn together from scraps of talent and a good deal of low-grade mortar. They belong in the D-League, where they'd probably get hammered by some hungry up-and-comers. No, they belong in Division 2. So no matter how good a pair of wins looks, remember that this is all counterproductive. This will not lead to any real changes.

The Post's Marc Berman, who has dropped all semblance of neutrality, has it right. The lede from his gamer read, "It's time for a contract extension!" Now that's the sarcasm I'm looking for. Unfortunately, it's a prospect scary because it could be true. Can't you see Fredo inking someone to a 17-year contract soon?

Next up: Knicks at Nets at 7:30 p.m. Wednesday.
Best-case scenario: PLEASE LET THE PAIN END! One loss, just one loss, please.
Worst-case scenario: The Knicks earn a - gasp - three-game winning streak. Zeus smites New York with a big thunderbolt, and Eddy Curry is elected mayor.

Vecsey Comes Undone

Here's a good photo of Peter Vecsey doing his Ancient Booer impersonation after dubbing Isiah the "King of Slime"

The total state of insanity revolving around the Garden of Hate these days has finally seemingly driven the Post's Peter Vecsey over the edge. Vecsey, of course, was the one who bestowed Isiah with the nickname the False Prophet, and I'm glad to see that he is responding to the Knicks and their Dante-esque level of hellishness by responding with the absurdity they deserve. That's why he used a paraphrase of a wonderful quote from "The Princess Bride" today in his column:

"Bow down to the King of Refuse! So, bow down to him if you want. Bow to the King of Slime, the King of Filth, the King of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo!"

Vecsey was referring, obviously, to Isiah, who now has another great name to go along with the False Prophet: the King of Putrescence. Hmm, too wordy? Maybe King of Slime will do. Actually, both will work.

The other highlight of the column was the details on the trade offer from the Knicks that the Milwaukee Bucks recently turned down. The swap would have sent Zach Randolph and Renaldo Balkman to Wisconsin in return for Charlie Villanueva, Bobby Simmons and Dan Gadzuric.

I don't know how to react to this, but since Isiah made the offer I have to assume that it would have been terrible for the Knicks. And that's probably why the Bucks were nuts not to accept. If Isiah called me up with a trade offer that didn't involve me giving up Tim Duncan or LeBron James, I'd agree automatically. You just take it for granted that Zeke will screw over his own team no matter what.

By the way, the whole Marbury thing has taken on a surreal air. Right now, I'm leaning toward the back-off approach. A lot of the columnists want to send the guy to the public stockades, but I want to wait and learn more before making any judgments.

"Ooh, Zach missed a three-footer"

New York Knicks 105, Chicago Bulls 100

That's what Walt "Clyde" Frazier, the living legend, said at some point in the fourth quarter on Tuesday with an odd mix of shock and piquant pleasure, and unfortunately it was the highlight of the game. Zach Randolph turned in an atrocious performance, but Eddy Curry - Big Useless himself - looked downright frisky.

That's really all we needed now. Curry found his mojo, Stephon and the dumb bunch started moovin' and groovin' in crunch time and the Bulls promptly screwed the pooch and lost a 13-point lead. And to think how close we came to making it eight straight (losses) in '08. Hmm, that could be a catchy campaign slogan.

Like I said after the New York almost beat the Spurs last week, this had disaster potential. Thankfully, Chicago still played better most of the game and the Bulls are a crappy team (just not as bad as the Knicks). In other words, it might be time for James Dolan, the Evil Gnome, to hand the False Prophet another fat extension. After all, if Tim Curry's Mini-Me can express unending faith in his pet brown-noser after long losing streaks, lord knows what he'll do once his team actually wins a game.

Dolan is like a coked-out Scrooge McDuck with a chasm in his pockets. Open the bank vaults and let 'er rip, boys!

Don't worry folks, it's only a fool's gold win

Beyond the fact that the Knicks won (another small catastrophe), there was some fun moments. Mike Breen matched Clyde's wit with this chestnut at one point in the third quarter: "A lot of players have found their offensive game when playing the Knicks."

And then there was the surprise start for Quentin Richardson, the Mr. Worstest in the flesh, even though all the news accounts prior to the game said Isiah was sure to pull the plug. No matter - Q was just as shitty as usual.

And then, of course, the Bulls welcomed Zeke back with some true Bronx cheers.

Thankfully, Alan Hahn of Newsday provided some perspective:

"But really what do you want as a fan right now? The Knicks are 9-24, well out of playoff contention. We know they're a House of Cards, really. We know their offense doesn't have much creativity and their defense is suspect most of the time (the effort against the Bulls at the end of the game was solid, but remember the Bulls were without Luol Deng). We know the chemistry isn't quite there. So what do you make of these fool's gold wins? Do you really think, a week away from the mid-point of the season, that the Knicks can still make something of this season? Or do you think it's time to start playing young players and seeing what you have?"

A fool's gold win. I like that. Another interesting tidbit from Hahn: The Knicks submitted their lineup card last night with Renaldo Balkman's name written twice and Richardson's name omitted. Can you believe it? The Knicks are so bad they can't even write down their roster correctly.

Next up: Rockets at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. Wednesday.
Best-case scenario: Yao slams down the first 30-30 since ... I don't know, Moses Malone, Wilt Chamberlain?
Worst-case scenario: The Knicks have actually found their mojo.

The Worst Player on the Worst Team

That would be one Quentin Richardson. Surprised? Don't be. Despite all the bitching and moaning about Big Useless (also known as Eddy Curry) and the waste of space that is Jared Jeffries, the award for now goes to Q, or the Worstest as I shall call him from now on.

Richardson has somehow flown under the radar this season despite atrocious shooting that would get him benched in a youth rec league game. But the Times' Howard Beck called him out today with a sharp denunciation.

We all know the Richardson lost his jumper at some point on the trip to New York from Phoenix, but the revelation this season is how bad his defense is. It's honestly hard sometimes to blame any one player for the matador defense (as Walt "Clyde"Frazier would say) that the Knicks employ, but Beck points out that the Worstest has surrendered 22 points to Josh Howard (a great player) and 36 to Mike Dunleavy (not even close to great) this season.

And thanks for those John Hollinger numbers, too. The great stat maven gives Richardson a PER of 6.8, good enough for 284th in the NBA. And the mystery is why Isiah has stuck with him in the starting lineup for so long. When the False Prophet did shake things up by subbing in Jeffries last week, it was a surprise. To think of all those games when Renaldo Balkman might have started in his place.

The reason for all of this sudden attention is that Zeke is apparently ready to bench Q tonight, according to an article by Marc Berman of the Post. But the supposed reason for the change is that the player's hip hasn't been bothering him. Yeah, and I'm sure his all-encompassing crappiness has nothing to do with it.

Meanwhile, Isiah had this choice quote to offer yesterday when asked if he would consider concentrating solely on his presidential and GM duties: "I know I won't find a more passionate person and a more committed person to [coach] than myself."

Passionate and committed. Two valuable ingredients in the big recipe. Unfortunately, this dish is lacking intelligence and a sense of reality.