ISIAH-IN-WONDERLAND

My Fellow Americans

2008-04-19T01:55:00.002-04:00

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER.

ISAIAH HAS BEEN FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REJOICE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY. FOR SO LONG I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT. AND NO DOUBT, I SHALL CELEBRATE IT APPROPRIATELY WITH BURNING EFFIGIES AND SOLEMN REMEMBRANCES OF ISAIAH'S TERRIBLE LIFE AND THANKFUL DEMISE. BUT I AM NERVOUS, AS I WAS AFTER SCOTT LAYDEN'S OUSTER, THAT THE CHANGES WE CELEBRATE MAY BRING NO BETTER SOLUTIONS.

THIS IS THE END OF THIS COMMENTARY, WHICH I HAVE WILLFULLY IGNORED FOR MORE THAN TWO MONTHS IN JOYOUS AVERSION.

I KNOW NOT WHAT LIES AHEAD. BUT LET US ALL REMEMBER THE DAY ISAIAH THOMAS GOT FIRED, SHITCANNED, ZIGGIED, AXED, KICKED OUT ON HIS ASS. TRULY, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL TODAY.

On Vacation

2008-02-06T03:02:00.000-05:00

We're 48 games into the Knicks' season, and I'm proud of both them and myself. I've managed to pump out enough vitriol to fill a coffee table book. More importantly, New York is 14-34 and currently on a six-game losing streak.

Ahh, that's the good stuff.

Moreover, the Knicks have constantly embarrassed themselves with off-court controversy, often verging on sheer pathos and insanity.

Sadly, I'll be taking a leave from it all. I go on vacation today and won't return until Feb. 29. During the interim, Isiah-in-Wonderland will be on hiatus. I'll be monitoring as much as I can from overseas, but in the meantime you'll have to supply your own Knicks bashing.

Hey Doc, I can't find Jerome's pulse

To tide you over, here are some fun predictions for the next three weeks:

Isiah will remain as coach and GM.
James Dolan will be arrested for participation in an internet pornography ring.
Stephon Marbury will begin living in the deep bowels of MSG like the Phantom of the Opera.
The Knicks will win against Indiana on Wednesday then drop their next three.
Quentin Richardson will start a fight on the court and get bitch slapped.
Jerome James will quietly die while riding the bench, but no one will realize for a week.
The Knicks will still suck when I get back.

Super Tuesday Endorsement

2008-02-04T13:23:00.000-05:00

James Dolan, left, and Steve Mills, right, have both donated money to Hillary Clinton. That means my endorsement goes to Barack Obama.

Isiah-in-Wonderland is a strictly non-political endeavor. But sometimes politics and the Knicks conspire to force your hand. And so, this blog's endorsement goes to Barack Obama.

Just take a moment to assess that and change all your opinions accordingly.

This decision was based solely on one set of data that had nothing to do with the candidates or their issues. Of the four current members of the New York Knicks who have donated money to political candidates, three gave to Hillary Clinton. That's reason enough to vote for Obama, in my mind.

Steve Mills, who fulfills some sort of executive function for MSG, gave $2,000 to Clinton. Herb Williams gave her $1,000, though that was for her last senate campaign. And most egregiously of all, James Dolan (aka Fredo) has served up the maximum amount of $4,600. Stephon Marbury also gave $2,300 to Obama.

But when Dolan is letting the money fly, I'm always opposed. My only hope is that Clinton decides to use Dolan in her campaign. I'd love to see that two-bit ewok trying to give a speech and then getting pelted by venomous invective and perhaps some rotten fruit as well.

Give the Knicks an Asterisk

2008-02-04T13:03:00.000-05:00

Seattle Sonics 86, New York Knicks 85

I don't know what Howard Beck is talking about over there at the Times. His latest article is either so tongue-in-cheek as to be completely disingenuous or he's actually buying the crap coming from the False Prophet. Knowing Beck, maybe he's just letting Isiah do his spin and reporting the results with something close to a straight face. Here's the gist of the article:

"If the Knicks had a campaign slogan for the final months of the season, it might be 'Losing with dignity.'"

Well, as long as it's losing, right? But then check out the follow-up:

"They found encouragement last month by going 5-2 after Stephon Marbury bowed out of the lineup to have ankle surgery. They have since gone 0-5, but with a string of shiny asterisks attached to the losses. The Knicks are encouraged because they held fourth-quarter leads in three of those games and also had chances to win the other two. That they repeatedly failed in crunch time was somewhat of an afterthought."

Now hold on there. Losing after holding a late lead, does not mean you get a "shiny asterisk." It means you folded in crunch time. It means you can't take the heat. It means that when it matters, you're still a shitty team. I think Beck knows this, so I guess this is all just fun for him.

The important thing, of course, is that the Knicks lost five straight and now stand at 14-33. By the way, do you remember the team's last extended West Coast trip? It was a 0-4 skid in November. Now a 0-5 streak. It seems the one thing the Knicks suck at more than basketball is basketball played far from home.

New York now has the fifth worst record in the NBA. I'd like it to get even lower, but losing to Seattle (12-35) was pretty nice. As Marc Berman put it so tersely in the Post, "The Knicks are in the toilet bowl."

Now that's good copy.

Next up: Clippers at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. Monday
Best-case scenario: Mike Dunleavy follows up his insult of the Knicks last week by taking out Isiah with a pregame judo kick to the temple.
Worst-case scenario: Isiah gets revenge by murdering Dunleavy in cold blood during the game, then standing over his lifeless corpse as the Garden goes nuts. Wow, I'm a bit bloodthirsty today.

Randolph Decides to Care

2008-02-02T20:28:00.000-05:00

Portland Trail Blazers 94, New York Knicks 88, OT

It's hard to imagine that the Knicks managed to score only 88 points in 53 minutes of basketball. It's also hard to imagine that Zach Randolph played a good game. But there he was, all square head atop rotund body, knocking down shots all night. In other words, he can play pretty well when he gives two shits.

Randolph had 25 points and 13 rebounds. But he also made only 11 of 23 shots and tied Nate Robinson for the Knicks' worst plus/minus of the night with -14. (Interestingly, good old Channing Frye had the overall worst plus/minus of the night, going an incredible -18 in 14:31. He had only two points and four boards).

The Knicks shot 39.4 percent overall, and Howard Beck of the Times delivered a gem of a backhanded compliment in his lede:

"Seven months after leaving, Zach Randolph returned to his original N.B.A. home Friday night and turned in a vintage performance. He arrived late, shot a lot, scored in bunches and left the Rose Garden with a loss — much as he did for his last few years with the Portland Trail Blazers."

Jamal Crawford might be the goat for now,
but Isiah's still the all-time idiot

Then again, Jamal Crawford missed 21 shots to easily take Goat of the Night honors. Nice going, J-Craw.

Here's the most important thing - New York is now 18-32 and has lost four straight. Now that's Knicks basketball.

The most refreshing sight (other than the Knicks blowing a lead again and then wasting away in overtime) was David Lee back in the starting lineup, his seventh appearance there this season. Calmly efficient, he shot 5 for 6 and had 14 rebounds. During the past three games, he's averaged 39 minutes per night and made 20 of 29 shots. In other words, I can't freakin' believe he hasn't been starting regularly. Then again, of course, Isiah's an idiot.

Up next: Knicks at Sonics at 10 p.m. Saturday.
Best-case scenario: Kevin Durant follows up his mega-performance in the Sonics' win against the Knicks in December by exploding for a quadruple-double: 40 points, 15 rebounds, 12 dimes and 10 steals.
Worst-case scenario: I'm loving these terrible road trips. It would be sad to see one end in victory.

Tax Time

2008-02-01T03:58:00.000-05:00

Utah Jazz 100, New York Knicks 89
Los Angeles Lakers 120, New York Knicks 109

Ostensibly, the Zach Randolph swap last summer between the Knicks and the Trailblazers was a steal. New York got Randolph, while Portland got Channing Frye and an overpaid, washed-up Steve Francis that it cut almost immediately. As someone one said, you don't just give away 17-10 guys. But the Trailblazers were desperate to get Randolph off their court and out of their books, wanting to begin the new Greg Oden era without even a whiff of the old Jailblazers days.

And yet, the news from the Times yesterday was that Portland had the upper hand in the trade so far. The Times just had to rub it in. But remember, anytime Isiah Thomas is involved in a trade, you can usually put down good odds that he's the one who'll be screwed in the end.

Speaking of duplicitous, incompetent, misleading, prevaricating and just plain crazy GMs, Thomas has finally fessed up and intimated interest in trading for Jason Kidd. This is the same guy who has been insisting since December that he likes the team he has and doesn't want to move any of the pieces on Team Titanic II, the magnum opus he spent four years putting together. Two months and hundreds of denial ready, he's conceded that Curry/Randolph isn't the answer and wants a point guard who actually, you know, doesn't blow donkey guts.

And finally, here was this great tidbit from a press conference a few days ago:

"Our guys are still trying to carve out their turf in the league," Thomas said. "They haven't really gotten to the point where they're superstars." Thomas then paused a second and his shoulders dropped. "Now, I hate that I said that because your headline writers will write, 'Knicks Have No Superstars; Isiah's Crazy,'" he said. One reporter playfully retorted, "We say that anyway."

Now this is brilliant stuff. It's never good when a coach or player starts reading the papers too closely, especially in a place as harsh as New York. Well, the False Prophet has obviously begun to do so, and I like this new little paranoid side of him that's envisioning negative headlines.

Of course, all of this stuff is good news. But nowhere near as good as watching the Knicks collapse down the stretch against the Lakers and then lose a yawner the next night in Salt Lake City.

You are about to see Kobe Bryant make Jamal Crawford his bitch

So overall a wonderful little two-day stretch. And then it just got about a thousand times better when I saw this article in the Times. The city has apparently lost about $300 million in tax revenue because of a weird exception granted the Garden of Hate over 30 years ago. Now that's going to end because the City council voted 40-3 to end the loophole. It's these sort of little changes that wave the stick at MSG management (who am I kidding, these guys are richer than kings and even more cruel). Less money for James "Fredo" Dolan and more for NYC? Sounds good to me.

The great thing is that this sort of decision must have been affected by the Knicks' putrefaction over the past several years. It might not be an official reason, but it's impossible to imagine that the utter shittiness on display at the Garden didn't influence some council members, just as it must have influence some of the decision-makers in the Anucha Browne Sanders trial last summer.

Next up: Knicks at Trailblazers at 10:30 p.m. Friday.
Best-case scenario: Frye posts 20 points and 20 boards and then bitch slaps Zach Randolph during pregame handshakes.
Worst-case scenario: Randolph scores 50 while leading the Knicks to a win, then runs through downtown Portland, destroying the cityscape like some overgrown Godzilla as Isiah runs behind him yelling, "No, Zach, no!"

Knicks Hating

2008-01-29T15:57:00.000-05:00

Golden State Warriors 106, New York Knicks 104
New York Knicks 89, Philadelphia 76ers 81

Isiah-in-Wonderland was on vacation over the weekend, so there was no time to sort through these two games. Things have gotten a bit scary with a 5-5 record (THE HORROR) over the past 10 games. Winning at a .500 clip is just not acceptable right now, but at least we're not facing anything quite as bad as that three-game winning streak at the moment.

On the other hand, the Knicks have only the sixth-worst record in the NBA right now at 14-29 and are only four games behind the Indiana Pacers for the eight and final playoff spot in the East. Now that's horrifying indeed.

Anyway, I'm not the only one who just can't stand the Knicks this season. Last week brought a fresh wave of assaults and insults. The first to speak up was Clippers head coach Mike Dunleavy, who used the Knicks as an example of bad management.

"I would only make deals to help our future. Anything else is suicide," Dunleavy told the Los Angeles Times. "Anything else and you become the New York Knicks."

It's good to know that the Knicks can now serve as one of those management and personnel case studies. Students of the NBA years from now will have a display of the 2007-8 Knicks up in their classroom as an example of exactly what not to do in putting together a team.

When Charles Oakley talks, you listen

The other insult was far more serious because it came from someone so close to home. Charles Oakley, one of the most beloved players in Knicks history had these comments to share last week:

"They don’t have a leader. A lot of the guys on the team don’t know how to play basketball. They don’t look like they’ve been playing basketball on a day-to-day basis. I don’t think they have a lot of talent. They have a lot of guys making money. That doesn’t mean you have talent."

And then:

"Randolph is just a double-double guy and [Curry] hasn’t been in shape in two or three years. They lose the same way, by 20, 30 points. If you’re going to lose, lose going out – bodies on the floor, making an effort on defense. If you lose 30-something games by the All-Star break, it’s a disgrace."

When Oakley speaks up, you listen. Oak was a man among boys when he played in New York, one of the toughest hombres on the court. He was fearsome and intense, a hard worker who never let the other team get an easy basket. The city went into mourning when he was traded to Toronto (even though that trade netted Marcus Camby and eventually worked out pretty well).

And Oakley's words count far more than anything I, the other critics, the media or the average can can conjure. So when he lashes out at a team and players like that, it's time to either step up or leave your pride at home for the rest of the season.

Next up: Knicks at Lakers at 10:30 p.m. Tuesday.
Best-case scenario: Kobe, feeling a bit ornery, scores all of his team's points in an 89-84 victory. The Knicks backcourt spontaneously explode in embarrassment.
Worst-case scenario: Without Bynum in their way, Curry and Randolph destroy Kwame Brown and pile on the points.

Berman Boileth Over

2008-01-24T23:51:00.000-05:00

Marc Berman's run-in with MSG security on Monday seems to have driven the Post's beat writer into a frothy rage. This is how it went down, according to Berman's recent column:

"I got pushed around pretty good by a couple of the green blazers while in chase of the heckler, as security became more physical than anything that happened between Quentin Richardson and Paul Pierce. Suddenly, a security officer, in the heat of the moment, yanked my press credential right off my neck as I walked."

The Garden of Hate, indeed.

Like I said before, it doesn't take much to keep reporters happy. Politeness, plenty of access and occasionally a little free chow will do the trick. But what the Garden pulled off on Monday is just about the easiest way to alienate them.

Berman is now seemingly in open warfare with the Knicks. They have heaped endless misery upon us poor fans. But imagine all the crap the reporters have to deal with. They're the ones who have to watch all the games and find something interesting to write about every day. You try writing something different about a pile of shit in each article and see how hard it is.

And here's Berman's wrathful sign-off:

"There's been no apology from the Knicks for the rough stuff - much like there's been no apology for this season of catastrophe."

So how does MSG react? By hitting back at all reporters, of course. The latest notices say that the media will be banned from now on from the "rotunda" and also prohibited from speaking to fans who are being ejected. Yup, and none of this, of course, is at all counterproductive.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

2008-01-24T23:31:00.000-05:00

Once colleagues and friends, Larry Brown and Isiah Thomas
are now sworn enemies

And just when you thought he'd faded into the yearning past, Larry Brown reared his ugly head this week and sent forth both a nice sally at his enemies with the Knicks and a great news item for a slow week.

Larry Brown, who presided over the original Team Titanic and that season from the depths of Dante's Inferno, must be getting jealous of all the new misery this year. His old bunch are getting overshadowed. And no one ever thought the Knicks could be worse than they were with Brown at the helm.

Brown opened his mouth this month to complain that MSG officials were spying on him regularly during his season with New York and giving him the cold shoulder, refusing to speak to the coach throughout the final weeks of his tenure. You can read all about it from the Post, the Daily News, Newsday and the Times.

Here's his nicest swipe, though. Brown, who's now with the 76ers in a front office position, was asked about head coach Maurice Cheeks and the potential he could replace him at some point. "I could never stab Mo in the back like that," Brown responded. Sort of like how Isiah axed Brown and then installed himself as head coach, right?

These sorts of comments might reek of sour grapes, but I like it. Brown, after all, waited almost two years to open his mouth - a fine show of restraint. And he also pulled off the salvo nicely. He didn't blame anyone particularly and instead indicted the whole organization as one filled with douchebags and creeps.

Frank Isola, the Daily News' beat writer, has a fine take on the whole event in his blog.

The False Prophet decided to stay above the fray, but that didn't stop the Times' Howard Beck from taking the opportunity to present a lengthy comparison of the Brown and Thomas eras.

Torpedo tubes open, fire away.

Q the Knife

2008-01-22T16:44:00.000-05:00

Boston Celtics 109, New York Knicks 93

I missed this game, and apparently I also missed a few treats besides a solid loss. Howard Beck was quite sedate about the defeat, but Marc Berman put some gloss on it in his gamer: "It got so bad yesterday, the Knicks and Isiah Thomas were shown up by Celtics journeyman guard Eddie House and marginal center Kendrick Perkins."

Oh jeez, that must have been fun. According to Berman, this is how it went down:

"With 2:24 left in the Boston rout, House drained a right-corner 3-pointer in front of the Knicks' bench that put the Celtics up by 20 points. House turned to Thomas and shouted at him. In a rage, Thomas called timeout. When the huddle broke, Thomas led his five Knicks up the sidelines to midcourt as if they were looking for a street fight. Referee Joey Crawford talked to Thomas to settle him down."

In other words, this almost turned into Knicks-Nuggets II, which would have been a brilliant redux. And the False Prophet even let his mask of gentility/insanity slip during the postgame conference and let out a good curse. Alas, another opportunity for the Knicks to embarrass themselves before a national audience slips away. On the other hand, they lost by a lot. It may not have been 45 points, it wasn't even 20, but we'll take what we can get after last week's disgusting success.

And yet ...

And yet, how nice would it have been if Isiah had just started a flagrant brawl?

But there were still perks. Quentin Richardson and Paul Pierce got the double-ejection, with the Worstest apparently inviting Pierce for a postgame showdown outside. How disastrous would that have been for Q? Pierce has survived a knife attack and multiple stab wounds. Richardson is shorter, slighter and out of shape. And I can't quite see him in a Mack the Knife kind of role.

The Worstest is ready to throw down with Paul Pierce

Here's an idea, Q: How about you take that combativeness and sudden energy and try to buck up on the court? If you have the energy to fight, where's the energy to play defense, you miserable sack of shit. This is what I can't stand, and the same thing was evident during the fiasco with the Nuggets last season. You don't get the right to posture with false machismo if you're so pitiful that you can't put up a good effort more than once a week.

And Berman, of course, is pulling no punches these days. So he slipped this delectable morsel into his article: "Curry was god-awful defensively, out of position and removed after the Knicks fell behind 21-10 six minutes in."

Big Useless at his best.

By the way, Alan Hahn assures us that these recent wins mean exactly bupkus. Good to know this is all a facade of respectability.

Meanwhile, there was another imbroglio over fan discontent, as Berman recounted in his Knicks Notes roundup. The Garden of Hate's Big Brother-esque tactics have been both disappointing and hilarious so far - how long before someone holds up a sign at a game that says "2+2=5" - but this was the first time reporters got involved in some kind of fracas. I can just imagine how pissed Berman must have been when security jostled him.

The Knicks have to learn something about PR. They've already alienated all the fans and most of the media. But the media will turn around with a few wins. Reporters will never forgive this kind of bullshit, though.

But the most transcendent of all involved the False Prophet, of course. I don't even have a joke or commentary here. I'll let Berman do the honors in his blog:

"Weirdest moment came when Isiah lectured some of the writers for saying he was disappointed nobody asked him about Martin Luther King during his pregame availability with the media. One wiseguy journalist said later if he wanted us to ask him what MLK would have thought of Anucha."

Yup, those are the Knicks.

Isiah would love to talk about MLK, but don't bring up Anucha

Next up: 76ers at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. Friday.
Best-case scenario: Let's get that damn winning streak out of our minds with the beginning of a nice, long losing streak.
Worst-case scenario: Philly is 2.5 games ahead of the Knicks. If New York gets any closer, they might just wrest themselves out of the shitty tier of NBA teams and into the craptacular group.

The Big Grab Bag

2008-01-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

New York Knicks 88, Miami Heat 84

Well, you can't lose them all. Especially when you're playing a team that is now 8-31, has lost 13 straight and has easily wrested the title of "most pitiful spectacle in the NBA" from the Knicks. Is there a Riley-in-Wonderland blog somewhere?

Then again, the Knicks also managed to lose to the Heat earlier this season even though Dwyane Wade was on the bench, so this is a bit rough. So a win is a win, and I don't feel like talking about it. Instead, let's go over a grab bag of good stuff from this week.

Everyone has started to recognize just how useless Eddy Curry is

First, some nice news from Sports Illustrated, which recently polled 242 NBA players to find out who among them gets the least out of the most talent. The results left Eddy Curry - Big Useless himself - in third with seven percent of the vote. Kwame Brown got first place, followed by Tim Thomas, Curry and Vince Carter.
The Knicks had an opportunity to win four straight on Friday but lost to the Wizards. The last time they had a winning streak that long was in January 2006.
Some hilarious news from the Post: Someone has been having some fun with the Phoenix Suns' Leandro Barbosa. The talented Brazilian received a prank message saying that he was being traded to the Knicks and had to go see the GM. His reaction? Utter misery. "My heart was hurting," Barbosa told the East Valley Tribune in Phoenix. "I went a little crazy." In the NBA, New York has become the new Siberia.
And finally, an interesting anecdote I heard from Mike Breen and Kenny Smith on an MSG telecast earlier this week. Apparently, the media was asking Isiah a lot of questions about Renaldo Balkman, who had contributed a lot to that short, much-heralded winning "streak." Zeke conceded that Balkman had been great, but then he was asked why he hadn't been playing him at all for so much of the season. Isiah declined to answer the question and told the reporter to ask Balkman instead. So when they went to Balkman, his reaction went something like this: "How the hell should I know why I wasn't playing? I'm not the coach - I don't make these decisions."
The False Prophet is so bad that even Canada has started to notice.

Renaldo Balkman just can't catch a break

Next up: Celtics at Knicks at 1 p.m. Monday.
Best-case scenario: The last time these two played, the Knicks lost by 45. Something similar would be nice.
Worst-case scenario: This is just one of those must-lose scenarios. The Knicks can't afford a win against such a good opponent, so I'd like to say a win is the worst-case scenario. Then again, these are the Knicks, so let's just go with a close loss.

A Day of Relief

2008-01-19T18:54:00.000-05:00

Washington Wizards 111, New York Knicks 98

It's amazing how much better you can feel 24 hours later, and I'm not talking about my cold. With life as a Knicks fan looking so lackluster on Friday, the Dumb Bunch came through in style.

First, they lost to the Wizards after beating them easily earlier this week. Then we hear that Stephon Marbury underwent surgery for bone spurs in his ankle and is out indefinitely. On top of that, Isiah Thomas continues his public game of coy/enigmatic/bullshit announcements regarding Marbury's relationship with the Knicks. Now everybody from the Garden of Hate janitors to the media to the crazy man singing songs in Penn Station have concluded that Marbury is finished in New York; He'll either be traded or cut.

And then, to cap it all off ...

Wait for it ............

A JEROME JAMES SIGHTING!!!!!!

As Marc Berman wrote in his blog: "Basketball's version of American Idle is back."

ZING!!!!

The Albatross around the Knicks' necks spreads his wings

This is like coming across Sasquatch in the remote woods of Oregon and discovering that he's only a large man so developmentally challenged that he can't tell left from right (actually, he doesn't even no what left or right are).

Yes, the biggest albatross in the Knicks organization emerged last night with a couple of minutes of garbage time remaining in the game and even sank his only basket. I'm surprised the False Prophet let him off the bench. He must have regretted the move the second that albatross started tightening around his neck.

So what nickname shall we give Jerome James? The Albatross? Oversold Sasquatch? The Stiff of All Stiffs?

And how about that "matador" defense. With apologies to Walt "Clyde" Frazier, that defense was even worse than matador. I can't quite find the right bloodsport analogy at the moment, unfortunately.

But you know what I like best?

The Post's Marc Berman. He and Howard Beck from the Times are the most reliably downcast when it comes to the Knicks (at least among those writers who have survived the past few years without quitting or going insane). But while Beck is subtle and biting, Berman loves a good written slap across the face. So I obviously drank deeply from the Berman Kool-aid after seeing this lede from his gamer today:

"Cancel the championship parade and date at the White House. The Knicks carried their season-high three-game winning streak into the nation's capital last night and saw it vanish like Congress in January."

One more thing about the mercifully quieted Marbury-Isiah hullabaloo. Have you ever noticed how public speculation about these kinds of subjects are always very public and yet very speculative. That's for a reason - the Knicks do a crap job of handling the media. Here's how you deal with internal problems: be as brief and unhelpful as possible and maintain a show of unity. Sort out the rest in the locker room. Here's how you don't handle these problems: snipe at each other through the press.

Next up: Knicks at Heat at 7:30 p.m. Saturday.
Best-case scenario: Losing to the worst team in the league, that's all we can ask for.
Worst-case scenario: This could get ugly. Miami looks horrible in a Knicks-in-December kind of way. It'll take some classic crappiness to get New York the L. Then again, they might just had enough putrefaction to pull off an 88-58 loss.

Ewoks Are My Only Solace

2008-01-17T19:06:00.000-05:00

New York Knicks 111, New Jersey Nets 105

I'm just to upset about this game to write much of anything. All I know is that some wins had to come at some point. Look, we can all just weather this stretch together and get to losing soon. As Howard Beck noted in the Times, "There is rarely anything rational to the Knicks’ rhythms."

But a third win in a row wasn't the only bit of surprising news. Behold, Ken Berger's sarcastic column in Newsday:

"Isiah Thomas said before last night's game - brace yourself - that the Knicks' plan is to avoid taking on more salary so they can get their cap number and luxury-tax bill under control. What? Is the world about to end? Is Britney Spears joining a convent? Will Tim Donaghy reveal at his sentencing hearing next week that every Knicks game he officiated in the past four years was fixed and the franchise will have to fold? What is going on here? The Knicks, concerned about spending money?"

The Knicks represent all that is gaudy and a bit disgusting in New York, playground of the super-rich and their overpriced proclivities. How else to explain the contracts Jerome James and Jared Jeffries received.

And since I have nothing else to add, here's a picture of James Dolan and an Ewok, that fuzzy ball of vomit/fur. You can bet your life that a nickname will come of this. Making fun of Fredo/The Evil Gnome/Tim Curry's Mini-Me never gets old.

Next up: Knicks at Wizards at 7 p.m. Friday.
Best-case scenario: This is an easy one. A loss, a big loss, a rim-rattling loss, a drive-by shooting loss, a gargantuan blowout loss followed by many tears and much rending of garments.
Worst-case scenario: The Wizards blew donkey goats against the Knicks earlier this week, so I'm very worried. Now that we know how bad a Knicks winning streak (by the way, just for the record, outside of New York three wins is considered not nearly impressive enough to define as a streak), can you imagine the horror of a rout?

Let's Be Realistic ...

2008-01-16T18:05:00.000-05:00

New York Knicks 105, Washington Wizards 93

The Knicks' win might have had something to do with Washington's ugly-ass uniforms

I turn my head for a few minutes, and the Knicks start kicking butt. Are the Knicks contagious? Can they infect other teams with their disease of inertia and apathy? It sure seemed that way against the Pistons on Sunday and the Wizards last night. Perhaps the best strategy for the Knicks is to rout the ventilation in the Garden of Hate to run from their locker room to their guests'. That way some airborne bacteria of crappiness can spread to everyone else.

I missed the first 11 minutes of the game last night. Then I turned on the TV and saw New York had a 28-12 lead. That was sure depressing. It's not just the good ball movement, the almost palpable sense of enjoyment among a few players, the downright friskiness of Renaldo Balkman and Nate Robinson or the ability to keep a lead. That's all bad enough. But then I see the numbers ... 26 assists and nine turnovers. Holy Shit. That sounds like a good team.

Let's be realistic here. The Knicks are not a good team. They're a crap team. They're a team sewn together from scraps of talent and a good deal of low-grade mortar. They belong in the D-League, where they'd probably get hammered by some hungry up-and-comers. No, they belong in Division 2. So no matter how good a pair of wins looks, remember that this is all counterproductive. This will not lead to any real changes.

The Post's Marc Berman, who has dropped all semblance of neutrality, has it right. The lede from his gamer read, "It's time for a contract extension!" Now that's the sarcasm I'm looking for. Unfortunately, it's a prospect scary because it could be true. Can't you see Fredo inking someone to a 17-year contract soon?

Next up: Knicks at Nets at 7:30 p.m. Wednesday.
Best-case scenario: PLEASE LET THE PAIN END! One loss, just one loss, please.
Worst-case scenario: The Knicks earn a - gasp - three-game winning streak. Zeus smites New York with a big thunderbolt, and Eddy Curry is elected mayor.

Vecsey Comes Undone

2008-01-15T14:54:00.000-05:00

Here's a good photo of Peter Vecsey doing his Ancient Booer impersonation after dubbing Isiah the "King of Slime"

The total state of insanity revolving around the Garden of Hate these days has finally seemingly driven the Post's Peter Vecsey over the edge. Vecsey, of course, was the one who bestowed Isiah with the nickname the False Prophet, and I'm glad to see that he is responding to the Knicks and their Dante-esque level of hellishness by responding with the absurdity they deserve. That's why he used a paraphrase of a wonderful quote from "The Princess Bride" today in his column:

"Bow down to the King of Refuse! So, bow down to him if you want. Bow to the King of Slime, the King of Filth, the King of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo!"

Vecsey was referring, obviously, to Isiah, who now has another great name to go along with the False Prophet: the King of Putrescence. Hmm, too wordy? Maybe King of Slime will do. Actually, both will work.

The other highlight of the column was the details on the trade offer from the Knicks that the Milwaukee Bucks recently turned down. The swap would have sent Zach Randolph and Renaldo Balkman to Wisconsin in return for Charlie Villanueva, Bobby Simmons and Dan Gadzuric.

I don't know how to react to this, but since Isiah made the offer I have to assume that it would have been terrible for the Knicks. And that's probably why the Bucks were nuts not to accept. If Isiah called me up with a trade offer that didn't involve me giving up Tim Duncan or LeBron James, I'd agree automatically. You just take it for granted that Zeke will screw over his own team no matter what.

By the way, the whole Marbury thing has taken on a surreal air. Right now, I'm leaning toward the back-off approach. A lot of the columnists want to send the guy to the public stockades, but I want to wait and learn more before making any judgments.

Fredo and the Knicks

2008-01-14T02:01:00.000-05:00

New York Knicks 89, Detroit Pistons 65

As Fool's Gold Wins go, this one was a doozy. Come on, 24 points over a 28-10 team? The Pistons looked more like the Knicks on Sunday night than the Knicks can usually manage. They so rarely seem to have the energy these days for a true show of shittiness.

I can't focus on this game too much. The ball movement was goddamn impressive at times, and the Knicks committed almost no turnovers. On the other hand, the fact that Detroit couldn't have sunk a jump shot even if the hoop was 10 feet across had nothing to do with the quality of New York's defense.

Instead, I'm gonna throw this out there:

"Defensiveness and denials filled the air Saturday afternoon, which made it pretty much like any other day recently at the Knicks' trouble-filled training center. Nothing changes here except the Knicks’ winning percentage and their mood, which are plummeting in tandem."

That's Howard Beck's lede in the Times on Sunday, one of those typical between-games articles about nothing in particular except the state of the team. But here's my question: Couldn't that be the lede of almost every Knicks article over the past two months?

There's a beautiful monotony and regularity to all this ballyhooed losing. Yeah, the occasional bit of iron sulfide pokes and - poof! - a win emerges. But for the most part, it's the same disappointment, absurdity, mediocrity and siege mentality day after day. I wonder if at some point the players will start getting cabin fever or something and gradually lose their minds.

But the most interesting article in the Times this week came from the metro section of all places. Did you miss it? The title: "Madison Square Garden's 'Godfather,' Without the Respect."

Yup, it's our good buddy James Dolan, the Evil Gnome, Tim Curry's Mini-Me, the man with the jowls. And now he's got a new nickname.

The article, about the recent controversy over MSG's property tax exemptions and the possibility of their being revoked, compared the Dolan family at length to the Corleones. And James Dolan got smacked with the Fredo tag.

When you get compared to the infamous Fredo Corleone, here's what it means: You're weak, stupid, ineffectual. You're the oldest, but everyone understands you can't be depended upon. You can't lead or prepare for the future. You can't protect or control your family. You are bitter, jealous, pathetic, a black sheep. Your younger brother Sonny is crazy and nut, but he's better than you because he has balls. Your wife's a drunk, you can't face the music, you sleep on black satin sheets and you know all this shithole dives in Havana.

They might not look alike, but James Dolan and Fredo Corleone have a lot in common when it comes to management

Of course, this isn't the first time the Corleone family has come up in basketball. Shaq famously compared the three sons of Don Vito a few years back to his three big co-stars over the years. In his analogy, Penny Hardaway was Fredo, Kobe Bryant was Sonny and Dwyane Wade is Michael.

(As an aside, has anyone noticed that the Knicks have at some point picked up all the over-the-hill washed-up stars of those mid-902 Magic teams. Penny, Nick Anderson, Dennis Scott - all came to the Knicks at the end of their careers and ate up money and bench space. So you know what that mean: Shaq is next. Can't you just see Isiah trading away his next two first-rounders for Shaq just when the big man is entering a sharp decline. By the way, the Magic started playing as an expansion team in 1989. Their first franchise victory ... that's right, over the Knicks.)

So that's what we've come to - James Dolan is aptly being compared to the worst mobster in the history of organized crime, but the tangential connection to Penny Hardaway seems like a big compliment. After all, Hardaway had a few good years before completely falling off the map. Dolan - he's stunk like a fat rat since the day he took charge.

Next up: Wizards at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday.
Best-case scenario: The Knicks follow a 24-point win with a 48-point loss, and Dolan rips off his face to reveal a resurrected John Cazale underneath.
Worst-case scenario: A winning streak, Yikes!

The Berman Trifecta

2008-01-12T15:20:00.000-05:00

Toronto Raptors 99, New York Knicks 90

Chris Bosh goes medieval on the Knicks

Apparently, the Knicks lost last night. I wouldn't know for sure; I was too busy drinking. But all the papers say so. Either way, that's always welcome news.

But I'm far more excited about the Marc Berman's report in the Post that Isiah Thomas is considering leaving the bench and moving back up to the executive suite, despite all his vociferous, public denials.

According to the article, the False Prophet thinks most of his players go into games expecting to lose and he only likes three of them - Jamal Crawford, David Lee and Nate Robinson.

Now this is the sort of shit that drives me absolutely nuts. Of those three players, Crawford is the only one who starts. The others come off the bench. Look, I'm all for losing right now. But if Zeke had a non-stupid bone in his body or even one brain cell that was not tragically subpar, he might figure out that he should be starting the players who actually care about the game, especially since they're quite talented.

Of course, even though the prospect of Isiah canning himself as coach is delicious, it's a mere distraction - a band-aid placed on a festering wound. I am set on this point: The Knicks will never be good as long as Thomas (and most likely James Dolan as well) remains in charge.

Back to the game. I do regret missing this one because it apparently featured a nice little war of words between Zach Randolph and the False Prophet. Randolph, wonderfully enough, went scoreless, while Chris Bosh tomahawk slammed the Knicks into submission with 40 points.

I hope you enjoy this picture of the Evil Gnome in prime lumpy mode - look at those jowls

Has anyone noticed how well big men do against New York. First Yao Ming scores a season high, then Bosh falls two points short of his career high. Randolph, apparently, can't guard a cup of tea. As for his partner-in-crime, the Big Useless (Eddy Curry), he can't guard shit on a stick. And these are our two marquee players.

Berman, meanwhile, delivered the piece de resistance of his hat trick yesterday on his blog:

"Isiah Thomas called my story that stated he's considering removing himself from the bench to concentrate on the presidency 'a lie.' Isiah should know about lies because we've heard many of them for four years."

Ouch.

Also recommended: Alan Hahn's latest blog entry, which includes plenty of zingers for all the Knicks.

Next up: Pistons at Knicks at 7 p.m. on Sunday.
Best-case scenario: Rasheed Wallace drops 50 points, and Isiah responds by pulling both Curry and Randolph and then getting into a fight with them on the court.
Worst-case scenario: Zeke starts Lee and Robinson, and the Knicks respond with a 98-point win.

Fake Fans

2008-01-11T12:49:00.000-05:00

This stunning news item came from the Post today: the fans featured in a series of commercials promoting the Knicks are actually actors. The ads, which feature seemingly true-life diehards talking about their devotion to the team while moments of past greatness flash behind them (you know, because moments of current greatness are hard to find), are fake.

Now this is nothing new in TV advertising. We've all seen thousands of commercials with actors talking to the camera as if they were real consumers. But this is a little too much. First, it shows us that the Knicks either didn't want to find real fans or just couldn't find any willing to show profess their faith so publicly.

The Knicks say that the actors are also Knicks fans. Perhaps. But why this extra bit of duplicity? Would it be so hard to produce a commercial that in some way doesn't reek of bullshit?

Also, graphic design student/Knicks fan Ivan Cash has gotten another mention in the big papers after the Daily News printed a rundown of vendors who have produced merchandise relating to the Knicks' woes. According to the article, Cash has sold 125 shirts outside MSG and another 35 online. Make that 36. I plan on purchasing one of those "Hate the Coach" beauties sometime today.

The Daily News article also mentioned a decal showing Isiah's name surrounded by flames and a very nice "Fire Isiah" hat that another fan is selling online at this site. Incidentally, here's a site I found featuring an interview with Cash.

The Banality of Losing

2008-01-10T17:57:00.000-05:00

Houston Rockets 101, New York Knicks 92

Yao welcomed the Knicks back to reality on Wednesday

What ever happened to the execrable, cringe-inducing, total-disaster, bad-poetry-in-motion Knicks of yesteryear? Don't you yearn for those days when New York was dropping each game by enough points to win most football games? Can you remember when ever game was almost an apocalypse on the court?

After yesterday's humdrum loss to the Rockets, those days seem so far away. The Knicks have now gone 10 games without losing by 20 or more. The largest margin of defeat in that span was 18 points. Don't worry, eight of those games were losses. But still, it's been a while since the Dumb Bunch dropped a game by 27 to the Indiana Pacers on Dec. 17.

Does this mean the team is getting better? We can only hope not.

Wednesday was a bit staid and offered little beyond the memorable spectacle of watching the Knicks miss their first 12 shots of the game, prompting Walt "Clyde" Frazier to openly yearn for the team to try starting a game with energy at some point. Mike Breen offered this rejoinder: "That is certainly not the Knicks' m.o."

Oh, and of course, Isiah got tossed. That was a sweet moment of serendipity, watching the False Prophet get the heave-ho for brushing an official. If only he had the bad sense to stay and embarrass himself further. Alas, the task of watching the Knicks melt down went to assistant coach Herb Williams.

The Times' Howard Beck affirmed that Tuesday's disastrous victory was (mercifully) a rare anomaly, just another fool's gold win. "Order was restored to the Knicks' universe Wednesday night," he wrote in his lede.

Beck also reported that Isiah declared all his players off limits to any trades this season, calling them "untouchable."

Howard, take it away:

"In other words, Thomas seemed satisfied with his team. Some players, like Marbury, may be untouchable because of their contracts. Other players may be untouchable simply because no one else wants them."

According to Marc Berman's gamer in the Post, getting ejected was deliberate on Isiah's part. You know, coach gets purposefully tossed in order to fire up his team. Well even Isiah's most unlikely strategies tend to suck, and last night was no exception. With Zeke in the locker room, the Knicks stunk more than usual.

Of course, getting tossed in basketball isn't like getting tossed in baseball. In basketball, the other team gets one or two free throws as a result. Isiah doesn't seem to realize that the Knicks can't afford to give away any points. In fact, he should petition the NBA to allow his squad to start with a handicap. From now on, the Knicks will begin every game with a 4-0 lead. Don't worry, they'll still lose in the end.

Mitch Lawrence from the Daily News wrote that Isiah's ploy his dumbest move of the season.

Yes, the 25-point embarrassments might not be regular as rain anymore, but after that terrible win in Chicago everything is well again in the the Knicks' world of misery.

Next up: Raptors at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. on Friday.
Best-case scenario: Devastated by his team's failure to match its best winning streak of the season (two games), Isiah resolves to start a streak of his own and purposefully gets ejected again.
Worst-case scenario: Herb inspires the players with a "let's not suck" plea for mediocrity.

"Ooh, Zach missed a three-footer"

2008-01-09T18:30:00.000-05:00

New York Knicks 105, Chicago Bulls 100

That's what Walt "Clyde" Frazier, the living legend, said at some point in the fourth quarter on Tuesday with an odd mix of shock and piquant pleasure, and unfortunately it was the highlight of the game. Zach Randolph turned in an atrocious performance, but Eddy Curry - Big Useless himself - looked downright frisky.

That's really all we needed now. Curry found his mojo, Stephon and the dumb bunch started moovin' and groovin' in crunch time and the Bulls promptly screwed the pooch and lost a 13-point lead. And to think how close we came to making it eight straight (losses) in '08. Hmm, that could be a catchy campaign slogan.

Like I said after the New York almost beat the Spurs last week, this had disaster potential. Thankfully, Chicago still played better most of the game and the Bulls are a crappy team (just not as bad as the Knicks). In other words, it might be time for James Dolan, the Evil Gnome, to hand the False Prophet another fat extension. After all, if Tim Curry's Mini-Me can express unending faith in his pet brown-noser after long losing streaks, lord knows what he'll do once his team actually wins a game.

Dolan is like a coked-out Scrooge McDuck with a chasm in his pockets. Open the bank vaults and let 'er rip, boys!

Don't worry folks, it's only a fool's gold win

Beyond the fact that the Knicks won (another small catastrophe), there was some fun moments. Mike Breen matched Clyde's wit with this chestnut at one point in the third quarter: "A lot of players have found their offensive game when playing the Knicks."

And then there was the surprise start for Quentin Richardson, the Mr. Worstest in the flesh, even though all the news accounts prior to the game said Isiah was sure to pull the plug. No matter - Q was just as shitty as usual.

And then, of course, the Bulls welcomed Zeke back with some true Bronx cheers.

Thankfully, Alan Hahn of Newsday provided some perspective:

"But really what do you want as a fan right now? The Knicks are 9-24, well out of playoff contention. We know they're a House of Cards, really. We know their offense doesn't have much creativity and their defense is suspect most of the time (the effort against the Bulls at the end of the game was solid, but remember the Bulls were without Luol Deng). We know the chemistry isn't quite there. So what do you make of these fool's gold wins? Do you really think, a week away from the mid-point of the season, that the Knicks can still make something of this season? Or do you think it's time to start playing young players and seeing what you have?"

A fool's gold win. I like that. Another interesting tidbit from Hahn: The Knicks submitted their lineup card last night with Renaldo Balkman's name written twice and Richardson's name omitted. Can you believe it? The Knicks are so bad they can't even write down their roster correctly.

Next up: Rockets at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. Wednesday.
Best-case scenario: Yao slams down the first 30-30 since ... I don't know, Moses Malone, Wilt Chamberlain?
Worst-case scenario: The Knicks have actually found their mojo.

The Worst Player on the Worst Team

2008-01-08T19:16:00.000-05:00

That would be one Quentin Richardson. Surprised? Don't be. Despite all the bitching and moaning about Big Useless (also known as Eddy Curry) and the waste of space that is Jared Jeffries, the award for now goes to Q, or the Worstest as I shall call him from now on.

Richardson has somehow flown under the radar this season despite atrocious shooting that would get him benched in a youth rec league game. But the Times' Howard Beck called him out today with a sharp denunciation.

We all know the Richardson lost his jumper at some point on the trip to New York from Phoenix, but the revelation this season is how bad his defense is. It's honestly hard sometimes to blame any one player for the matador defense (as Walt "Clyde"Frazier would say) that the Knicks employ, but Beck points out that the Worstest has surrendered 22 points to Josh Howard (a great player) and 36 to Mike Dunleavy (not even close to great) this season.

And thanks for those John Hollinger numbers, too. The great stat maven gives Richardson a PER of 6.8, good enough for 284th in the NBA. And the mystery is why Isiah has stuck with him in the starting lineup for so long. When the False Prophet did shake things up by subbing in Jeffries last week, it was a surprise. To think of all those games when Renaldo Balkman might have started in his place.

The reason for all of this sudden attention is that Zeke is apparently ready to bench Q tonight, according to an article by Marc Berman of the Post. But the supposed reason for the change is that the player's hip hasn't been bothering him. Yeah, and I'm sure his all-encompassing crappiness has nothing to do with it.

Meanwhile, Isiah had this choice quote to offer yesterday when asked if he would consider concentrating solely on his presidential and GM duties: "I know I won't find a more passionate person and a more committed person to [coach] than myself."

Passionate and committed. Two valuable ingredients in the big recipe. Unfortunately, this dish is lacking intelligence and a sense of reality.

387 Days

2008-01-07T14:22:00.000-05:00

The brawl that started it all

Do you know what today is? It's Jan. 7, 2008, which marks this as the 387-day anniversary of the Knicks-Nuggets brawl. Let's mark the occasion by printing my column of Dec. 26, 2006 from the North Adams Transcript:

Some of my friends have said they're embarrassed to be New York Knicks fans recently. Forget them. I'll always be proud to be a Knicks fan. What other team has such a ballyhooed history despite winning only two championship in its 60 years of existence? But there's no denying that the team is a complete embarrassment now. "Let them at least be incredibly bad so I can indulge my sports masochism."

Remember that? Probably not. It's what I wrote in the Aug. 18 edition of the Transcript, hoping to provide a definitive statement on the most moribund sports franchise of our present age.

But after the fracas between the Knicks and Denver Nuggets on Dec. 16, I have realized that there may be no way to produce a complete analysis of the pathetic status of the Knicks. Like U.S. presidents and the works of William Shakespeare, the team may require years, even decades of contemplation before reaching any conclusions.

I have now watched Saturday's fight several dozen times and cannot find a single redeeming aspect of the scandal for the Knicks. The team's attempt to have it out with the Nuggets provided just another view into its all-encompassing and disastrous incompetence. New York basketball fans now know this: the Knicks can't even fight well, much less play hoops well.

Any discussion of the New York-Denver melee requires a primer on previous NBA fights. The riot that took place when the Indiana Pacers visited the Detroit Pistons two years ago is most recent. That featured a rapid escalation of violence between a bunch of notorious troublemakers, most notably Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest. It also included plentiful participation by the crowd, from the fellow who threw a cup of beer on Artest to the guy who got KO'd by the Pacers' Jermaine O'Neal.

Saturday's fight offered nothing similar. New York's Nate Robinson and Denver's J.R. Smith crashed into the first few rows at one point, and Robinson put forth a good example of general insanity. But Smith and Robinson produced little that could compare to the antics of the Pacers and the Pistons two years ago.

The most infamous NBA fight, of course, took place in 1977 between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Houston Rockets. That one featured a roundhouse from Los Angeles' Kermit Washington that decked Houston's Rudy Tomjanovich. The punch knocked Tomjanovich unconscious and damaged his skull so badly that spinal fluid began leaking into his mouth.

Obviously, that incident was far more serious than anything that happened Saturday, and it should not be joked about. But, in comparison, it is worth noting that the only injury suffered from the Denver-New York brawl was reportedly a slight scratch to Knicks forward Jared Jeffries' cheek. That slight wound revealed just how pathetic and hollow all the macho posturing of the players was. For all their show of rage and indignation, the most damage they could do was one tiny, skin-deep abrasion. All that trash talk and public vitriol was merely for show and self-aggrandizement.

My favorite fight was the one that took place between the Knicks and the Miami Heat during the second round of the 1997 playoffs. Up 3-1 in the best-of-seven series, New York was derailed when Miami forward P.J. Brown flipped and body slammed Knicks point guard Charlie Ward in the waning moments of game 5.

Brown was suspended for five games, but he was the only member of the Heat punished. New York had six players suspended, most of them for simply wandering off the bench to get a better look at the fight. Playing without many of their stars, the Knicks dropped the next two games and were eliminated.

It was certainly an ignominious moment in Knicks history, but it was also the product of a period when New York was an annual contender for the championship and shared a heated rivalry with Miami on the basis of four straight playoff matchups from 1997-2000 (After the first year, the Knicks won the next three series). That fight nine years ago was the product of some intense pride and animosity between two franchises.

The brawl two Saturdays ago was the result of some intense egotism.

"They wanted to embarrass us," Robinson said, explaining that he believed Denver was trying to run up the score. "It was a slap in the face to us as a team and a franchise and we weren't going to let that happen."

By escalating what might have been a small scuffle into a genuine fight with some flimsy punches and ardent chest-pounding, Robinson provided a slap of his own to the franchise's pride and integrity.

New York head coach Isiah Thomas was no less guilty. He admitted warning Denver's Carmelo Anthony, who embarrassed himself with a sucker punch and hasty retreat, not to go near the basket a minute before the fight broke out. Despite this indication that he ordered Mardy Collins to commit the hard foul that initiated the brouhaha, Thomas was ludicrously exonerated by the NBA.

"They were having their way with us pretty good," Thomas said. "I think J.R. Smith had just made one dunk where he reverses it and spins in the air. I thought that Mardy didn't want to have our home crowd see that again and he fouled him."

No, Isiah, what the crowd didn't want to see was a pathetic group of Knicks act in a way that only emphasized how pitiful they are. The crowd didn't want to see a team that, after the Los Angeles Clippers and the Cincinnati Bengals made the playoffs last season, is undoubtedly the worst professional sports franchise in the country.

Most of all, the crowd wants to see a Knicks squad that matters again. One that plays with heart and pride. And if that pride leads to some conflict, at least a team that can actually carry out a fight instead of producing meaningless sound and fury.

Sports Section Roundup

2008-01-06T22:20:00.001-05:00

Houston Rockets 103, New York Knicks 91

I confess my attention was divided between the NFL playoffs and the Knicks last night, so let's take today's cues from the area newspapers and see what fresh quips they can amuse us with.

The Times offers a zingy header, "Randolph Returns; Losing Never Left," and more trenchant wit from Howard Beck:

"Neither Thomas nor James Naismith could explain the Knicks’ endless woe, or the way that they consistently appear to be less than the sum of their parts."

The Post's Marc Berman, meanwhile, offered a terse lede - "It makes no sense" - in reference to how the Knicks could get worse even after getting Zach Randolph back. Well, that really hits at the heart fo the matter. The Knicks simply don't make sense. They live in an irrational, topsy-turvy world.

In his blog, Berman wonders how much longer Isiah will be employed and concludes, "The whole thing is too surreal to believe."

Alan Hahn from Newsday provides an efficient putdown for his lede:

"Isiah Thomas talks about seeking an 'honest effort' from his team. Well, quite honestly, even when they give it, they're not good enough to win."

Alas, the Sun has no weekend edition, but in the meantime enjoy the great John Hollinger's analysis of Wednesday's debacle against the Kings, which includes this choice passage:

"No offense to the Kings, but the Knicks should have won this game by 40 points, and if they weren't so preoccupied with mailing in the season, they would have."

Next up: Knicks at Bulls at 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday.
Best-case scenario: This is the the fourth matchup between the two teams this season, and unfortunately the Knicks won one of those games. It would be nice if their record went to 1-3.
Worst-case scenario: An abrupt end to what has become a beautiful little treasure of the new year, a seven-game losing streak.

Catch-82

2008-01-05T13:48:00.001-05:00

San Antonio Spurs 97, New York Knicks 93

The original catch has nothing on Catch-82

That was almost a disaster. A day after I said the Knicks had no chance of beating the Spurs, they almost did just that. Maybe it's just the Spurs' style during the regular season of putting forward just enough energy to get the job done, but they let New York hang around way too long. There were times the Knicks looked downright pesky.

And for the sake of the franchise and its future, that's not a good thing right now.

In case you haven't noticed, I root against New York on a nightly basis. This is neither a consequence of some sudden turn against the team or a tendency toward miserable self-hatred. After four long years of the Isiah regime and two more seasons in purgatory with Scott Layden, losing is the Knicks' best and only option.

They must lose in order to win eventually, and that's the basis of Catch-82 (take a gander at the original catch if you desire).

Nothing will get better for the Knicks until the False Prophet and the Evil Gnome leave

Catch-82, named for the number of games in a season (which also might be the number the Knicks need to lose before the False Prophet gets the boot), posits that ultimate improvement and victory is impossible under present conditions - mainly the continued presence of Isiah as coach and GM, along with most of the players. Thus, the only way to ultimately get better is to get so bad that all the idiots that currently manage or play for the orange and blue get swept away.

In other words, the only way to win is to lose - a lot.

Simply being bad at your job (which is enough to get axed in most workplaces worldwide) simply won't do. We know this because of the ludicrous contract extension the False Prophet got last March after leading the Knicks to a 29-34 record at the time - you know, a losing record. No matter, MSG head honcho and evil gnome James Dolan ponied up a new deal for Zeke, explaining that he had "seen significant and evident progress."

The Knicks promptly fell apart and have remained putrid to this point. Nice contract-year work, Isiah. Mind you, this all followed several years of trades and signings so heinously stupid that most people quickly lost all faith in the team.

And now, with New York on pace to set franchise records for crappiness, Dolan reiterates his support on an almost weekly basis while Isiah grins and mumbles absurd championship predictions.

None of this is new. When asked on his show two months ago where the Knicks' infamous 45-point loss to the Boston Celtics came from, Jim Rome was incredulous. The past four years, he declared, was all you needed to look at to understand why New York was so bad.

Clearly, there is no prospect for improvement with the current situation. And the Evil Gnome has made it clear that there will be no changes if the Knicks continue sucking as they have all season. The only option than is obvious. If it ever wants to get better, the team has to lose as much as possible so that Isiah gets canned some day.

Hate the Coach

2008-01-04T15:07:00.000-05:00

Ivan Cash hawks his self-designed T-shirt outside Madison Square Garden before getting arrested for "intent to sell" on Wednesday

So now Ivan Cash is finally getting some attention. The college student - who has speculated tongue-in-cheek that his intriguing name indicates a mysterious status as a money-obsessed Russian gangster or 80s porn star - had achieved only 33rd street fame before Wednesday.

That's because the 22-year-old graphic design student at SUNY-Geneseo was known until now only by those poor Knicks fans entering Madison Square Garden who saw Cash occasionally hawking T-shirts with the edict, "Don't hate the player or the game - hate the coach," and a picture of Isiah Thomas.

I confess, I had heard of Cash before the Daily News reported his arrest on Wednesday for "intent to sell." In other words, he was offering his self-designed T-shirts outside the Garden without a vendor's license.

Well the News got the headline wrong ("Student arrested for 'Fire Isiah" tees" despite there being no such slogan on the shirts in question). It also failed to mention that Cash has been doing this for some time now and has had trouble with the fuzz before.

I first came across his Web site over a month ago and considered for a time calling this blog "Hate the Coach." Alas, Isiah-in-Wonderland was both catchier and more specific. Now Cash has set up a separate site just for selling the shirt. There's also the original story of how he designed and starting selling it back in November 2006 (check out the photo of Walt "Clyde" Frazier appending his John Hancock to one of the tees). Cash also provides the following denunciation:

"Isiah Thomas is the worst thing that's ever happened to the New York Knicks, period. As the president and general manager, Isiah previously fired the coach he'd hired: Larry Brown, (causing the Knicks to eat his remaining, ~$10 million salary) and appointed himself as head coach. Not only have the Knicks failed to have a winning season or make the playoffs since Isiah has taken over, but they also have consitantly had the highest payroll in the league. Innumerable lost draft picks, and a sexual harrasment charge later, the time is ripe to give Isiah the boot."

He hates the False Prophet, the T-shirt is cool and has a great message and it all supports a college student - what's not to like.

State of Denial

2008-01-03T17:00:00.000-05:00

Who's crazier - Isiah Thomas or Jurgen Prochnow's

uber-stressed u-boat captain?

Was I the only one who watched Isiah Thomas' pre-game comments last night and wondered if the guy had officially lost it, if he actually was living in the wonderland of his battered mind? Apparently not. After seeing the False Prophet's face of grim certainty and Panglossian reverie on ultimate success, Howard Beck surpassed himself again. Sportswriters sometimes have to wear many hats - statistician, social commentator, figure of justice. After watching Isiah ramble on about winning championships and seeing the Knicks get spanked by the injury-ravaged Kings, Beck, the Times' beat writer, put on a shrink's hat and penned what literary folks might call a masterpiece of psychological realism, a profile of an unstable mind in limbo.

And to hear Isiah's ravings made me think of Jurgen Prochnow's u-boat captain's ominous intonation to his crew while dodging depth charges in "Das Boot":

"Now it gets psychological, friends."

Indeed. Beck's article was good enough to repeat in its entirety. Alas, for the sake of brevity, accept some substantial excerpts:

"Things are rarely as they seem in Thomas’s world. Possibly, it is because his own narration constantly diverges from the expected and the evident. The Knicks reached 2008 with 8 victories and 21 losses — among the worst New Year’s Day records in franchise history. Thomas entered the first game of 2008 talking about championships and legacies. He was not, as far as anyone could tell, attempting humor.
'I believe that one day that we will win a championship here. And I believe a couple of these guys will be a part of that. And I believe I’ll be a part of that. And as I sit here and I say it today, I know people will laugh even more at me. But I’m hellbent on getting this accomplished and making sure that we get it done. And I’m not leaving until we get it done.'
The statement was delivered with great conviction and a steady gaze, as most of Thomas’s soliloquies are. It is becoming increasingly difficult, however, to gauge the true weight of his words. Thomas has made a lot of firm-sounding statements recently, only to undermine them."

All of this was accompanied by four large photos on the front of the sports section showing various gametime expressions of the False Prophet, ranging from comatose to assured to distraught. Alongside, his comments were pull-quoted with the most egregious passages rendered in extra-large type. Moving on:

"So it should not necessarily have been surprising that Thomas, with his team on pace to set a franchise record for losses amid nightly calls for his dismissal, had a different — some would say absurd — perspective.
'I don’t necessarily just want to win a championship,' Thomas said. 'I want to leave something that’s going stand for a long time. I want to leave legacy, I want to leave tradition. I want to leave an imprint and a blueprint, in terms of how people play and how they coach and how they respond when they put on the Knick uniform. I want to leave what I left in Detroit. This is a dark time for us. But I know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.'"

I'm pretty sure that Isiah is the only one who sees that light, and that leads to another question - is the Isiah just like all the other false prophets of history: equal parts crazed and megalomaniacal. I asked a psychologist I know about his behavior, which has prominently included an insistence on all things positive while the surrounding world collapses and a startling absence of reality. The answer - a bad case of denial, perhaps a symptom of some underlying problem.

Isiah reminds me sometimes of a high school freshman in a class I once substituted in. She chattered along freely and volubly even though I asked her to shut up several times. When confronted, she denied that she had been talking, and I was forced to explain that thinking something is so does not make it so in reality. I think the False Prophet could benefit from a similar explanation. And now, the conclusion of Beck's gamer:

"'I believe we’re on the right path,' Thomas said. 'And I believe we have the right players. Our record doesn’t show that. But I’m not ready to give up on these players.' Then the true believer presided over his 22nd loss in 30 games, while a crowd of thousands chanted 'Fire Isiah.'"

While Isiah easily won quote-of-the-day honors, similar recognition should go to Eddy Curry, who responded with this when asked if he got a message from his coach after being benched last week:

“I don’t think I needed a message. But I got it, though. He could have told me. I respond well to conversation as well.”

As inept as Big Useless is at times on the court, one can never accuse him of being stupid or surly.

I'm not sure what the epigram at the bottom of this poster means, but I enjoy thinking of Isiah as the banana who insists on being an apple

While Beck scored the biggest points, the other Knicks beat writers had just as much fun picking Isiah apart. Marc Berman from the Post called it the coach's "most over-the-top performance yet" in an article titled "Thomas spouts delusional title talk."

Post columnist Mike Vaccaro was particularly gleeful:

"I WANT to live in Isiah Thomas' world. I do. I want to wake up in the morning, and even though the thermometer insists it's 23 degrees in the sun, you can walk the streets in your Bermudas and your tank top and your flip-flops and have to keep the sunscreen at the ready. I want to go to lunch, eat my hamburger and fries, then close my eyes really, really tight and convince myself that I've just consumed filet mignon and a side of lobster (with drawn butter). I want to step on the scale at my health club on the day after the holiday season ends and discover that I have - tada! - lost 25 pounds!

Vaccaro followed up that lede with 14 more paragraphs of the same. It needs to be read to be believed.

Mitch Lawrence of the Daily News, meanwhile, is having just as much fun as I am:

"Of all the nonsense Thomas has put forth during his four-plus years on the job, this might have been his strangest, saddest moment. Thomas didn't violate the Garden's media policy. He violated common sense, objective reality and something commonly referred to as the God's honest truth."

All of the New York area papers had similar write-ups, and there's no point listing them all. Just zip over to that links box on the upper right and have a belly of laughs while reading some of the local serial sarcasts go to town.

Another Disaster

2008-01-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

Sacramento Kings 107, New York Knicks 97

I was very worried heading into the game against Sacramento on Wednesday night. The Kings were 11-18, missing their four best players (Ron Artest, Mike Bibby, Kevin Martin and Shareef Abdur-Rahim) and had not had a lead greater than 13 points during the entire season.

I shouldn't have fretted. Sacramento passed the 13-point mark in the second quarter, at which point the "Fire Isiah" chants began raining down. According to Walt "Clyde" Frazier and Mike Breen, it was the earliest in a game the ubiquitous chorus had started.

There's a consistent mediocrity, at times barely detectable, which can make you drift into a have while watching the Knicks. They're down by two points; blink your eyes twice, and the deficit has grown to 15. The Knicks were down by double digits early on and stayed there for the rest of the game, and I'm not entirely sure how it happened. That was an eminently winnable game, and the Kings are clearly not a good team. They would have collapsed in the second half if New York had not already given up.

That led to the depressing spectacle of Clyde and Breen spending the final 24 minutes discussing various ways in which the Knicks were a complete embarrassment. The latter provided this memorable comment midway through the third quarter:

"This crowd is just bored. They're not even booing anymore."

A moment later, John Salmons stole the ball and went down the open court for a relaxed reverse jam. The boos came cascading down again. By the end, Isiah looked ready to stick his head in the sand for a few centuries, Malik Rose begged his team to try harder and Zach Randolph got tossed for tossing his headband in frustration. Even the impressive return of Stephon Marbury was overshadowed by the mounds of crappiness stinking up the Garden. Rose, apparently, has publicly stated that the team simply doesn't care.

Compare that to the Sacramento starters (mostly backups until the stars got hurt), who looked like hardwood gods after playing the Knicks. Salmons accounted for 32 points, 11 boards, six assists and six steals. Francisco Garcia scored 22 points, and Brad Miller added 26 points and 16 rebounds.

Eddy Curry, meanwhile, came out "on fire" after the False Prophet decided to give up on his revamped lineup and go back to starting Curry and Randolph together. But even though Big Useless notched 15 points in the first quarter, his defense probably gave up 25, and he went 4 for 11 from the line.

In other words, it was one monumental, execrable performance. It's still early, but I think this team is special. The Knicks could end up being awful in unique and interesting ways. We are witnessing historic moments this season.

The moment that really stood out for me, though, was when Garcia dived into the baseline crowd while going after a loose ball. There were three minutes left in the game, and his team had a big lead. That's passion. The story of Mikki Moore offered a similar conclusion. As Frazier mentioned at one point, Moore went undrafted out of Nebraska and played in Greece, the CBA and the NBDL. He also got cut by seven different NBA teams. But he worked hard and persevered to the point where he's currently earning $6 mil per year from Sacramento, where he's a valuable contributor. Can you imagine if even one player on the Knicks had that kind of commitment and work ethic.

Next up: Knicks at Spurs at 8:30 p.m. on Friday.
Best-case scenario: While considering the matchup between the best and worst NBA teams of this decade, Isiah falls into a catatonic stupor and can't be moved from his hiding place under a chair in the locker room. The Knicks forfeit
Worst-case scenario: Umm, there is none. There is no way the Knicks will win this game.

Marks of Futility

2008-01-02T02:00:00.000-05:00

The Knicks are the basketball version of the post-steroids Jason Giambi - flabby, gaunt, overpaid and a complete disaster on the playing field.

"Could It Get Worse for the Knicks?"

That was the headline question in the Times sports section Tuesday. Thankfully and hilariously, the paper didn't require anyone to read the actual article to get the answer. The end of the header read "Amazingly, Yes."

Does someone at the Times read this blog? Probably not. But Mike Ogle's look back at the year that was and the one still to come answered some questions raised by my latest post. Yes, the Knicks are on pace for 22-23 wins and 59-60 losses. In the historical framework, those are awful results but potentially record-breaking ones. Yes, it is obvious that the Knicks are bad in an epic way right now. But it will take hard work to set a historical low.

Team Titanic 1, Larry Brown's 2005-6 squad is currently tied with the 1985-6 edition of the Knickerbockers with a 23-59 record. Those are the most losses in franchise history. Three Knicks teams, however, won fewer games. They were all from the early 1960s, when a season had fewer contests. The all-time mark of ignominy goes to the 1960-1 squad that went 21-58 for a .266 winning percentage.

Right now, the Knicks are winning a .276 clip. That puts some new records within striking distance. We may all look back on 2007-8 as the season of utter shittiness.

This passage from Ogle's article also intrigued me:

"Two weeks ago, Coach Isiah Thomas said that in another two weeks it would be a fair question to ask him, as the team's president, if his job as coach should be in jeopardy."

Dear Lord, how did this news escape me? How could any reporter have underplayed this tidbit? This should have been the basketball version of the General Petraeus report. The media horde should have descended upon Madison Square Garden, waiting for the False Prophet to hold forth with stoic, sunny optimism and that plastered-on smile of idiocy. Alas, we all missed a great opportunity to take insanity and absence-of-reality to a whole new level of hyperbole and comedy.

Even so, the inevitable follow-up to Isiah's timetable was delicious:

"When reminded of that statement at Monday’s practice and asked what he thought about his job status now that the losing had continued unabated, Thomas replied, 'We’ll keep moving in this direction.'"

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Is he completely fucking mad? Is that the let's-lose-lots-of-games-and-suck-worse-than-Jason-Giambi- after-he-stopped-juicing direction? Thankfully, we got clarification from Ogle:

"Which direction is that? 'Me as coach,' he replied."

Oh. Well that makes just as much sense.

Berman Boils Over

2007-12-31T14:48:00.000-05:00

This was written four days ago, but I didn't see it until now. Apparently, after the starting lineup debacle on Wednesday in Orlando, Post beat writer Marc Berman just blew a fuse. The result? Several days of vacation and this world-weary comment on the Post's Knicks Blog:

"I've got a basketball hangover from last night - still trying to figure it out - more confusing than Shakespeare's 'Comedy of Errors.'' The only logical explanation is Isiah Thomas is pulling a Larry Brown and trying to get fired. By the end of the Orlando night, Eddy Curry was more peeved than Zach Randolph, who vented before the game after being yanked from the starting lineup. Of course 2/3 of that starting lineup was changed at halftime. Isiah truly is a man of convictions."

Pretty standard Knicks postgame nausea, right? But then Berman provides this interesting factoid:

"Last night, Orlando president Pat Williams gave me his new book, 'The Ultimate Coaches' Clinic.' The book contains hundreds of coaches giving their tips on coaching. Isiah Thomas' advice is on page 98 and is laughable. Thomas: 'There are two types of coaches. 1. Values-based caoches [sic] who are concerned with the lives of the players.' 2. 'Just-coach-the-game coaches and that's it.' You have to decide who you are and build your principles around that. You have to make up your mind to be one or the other. 'Yes, Isiah, time to make up your mind who you are. At 8-20, the Knicks are on pace for 24 wins, one head of Larry Brown's original Team Titanic. I'm staying out here in Florida the next few days to escape the madness."

Team Titanic? Another great nickname. So let's start calling the 2007-2008 Knicks Team Titanic 2.

And lets hope that the Knicks don't drive any more sportswriters to soul-numbing despair.

Incidentally, New York is now 8-21. That's on pace for 22.6 wins (normally I'd round that up to 23, but these are the Knicks). It's also the fourth-worst record in the league. Miami, Memphis and Minnesota are worse.

But things are worse than that. The Knicks have a league-leading 14 losses by 10 points or more.They also have five losses by at least 26 points. And of the team's eight victories, only one came against a winning team - Denver.

Big Man Psychology

2007-12-30T23:23:00.000-05:00

Chicago Bulls 100, New York Knicks 83

So with the shit hitting the fan as loss followed loss, the False Prophet pulled out this gem from his bag of tricks on Sunday - the old flip-flop switcharoo. After Isiah Thomas bungled his unvaunted lineup change on Wednesday, he came back with the inevitable correction against the Bulls: Zach Randolph plays, Eddy Curry sits.

And that made Howard Beck of the Times give us this:

"The day began with Curry out of the starting lineup for the first time in two seasons, the latest desperation move by Coach Isiah Thomas to break his team’s funk. The day ended with another rout — a 100-83 loss to the Chicago Bulls — followed by a tedious marathon interview at Curry’s locker stall, where he was asked 50 different ways about the benching while his teammates dressed and left. Curry said the demotion left him numb, which on balance seemed preferable to depressed. 'It definitely bugs me,' Curry said. 'I think I’m a starter in this league. But I guess not on this team.'"

There's something tragicomic about this exercise in pop psychology. Imagine the scene: Dozens of modern scribes gather round the bloated man-child of the moment, raining down questions as he offers sheer pathos in return.

Eddy Curry, Jamal Crawford and Stephon Marbury get their bench faces ready

And as Beck has done so wonderfully recently, that lede was followed with the most casual and subtle of putdowns. Where other writers scream their anger, Beck applies calculated disdain.

"Then again, Curry may just need to wait a few days for Thomas to change his mind again. Thomas has shaken up the lineup in two straight games, with two straight losses to show for it, and seems inclined to keep tinkering until something clicks. The Knicks (8-21) would seem to have little to lose anymore, aside from a few wispy strands of morale floating through the Madison Square Garden corridors. They lost four straight games and 10 of their last 12 to close out 2007, never showing any reason to believe they will be better in 2008."

In the meantime, the Knicks did their best to help new Bulls head coach Jim Boylan pull a Lawrence Frank. Maybe this is the break Chicago needed on the way to a playoff season.

Alan Hahn, incidentally, delivered this nice rant on Knicks Fix before gametime. It's enjoyable enough to copy almost in its entirety:

"When Isiah Thomas strolls into the Garden around 10:20 a.m. this morning -- barely 90 minutes before tip-off -- you can't help but wonder if a sense of urgency really exists at all. As Walt Clyde Frazier might say, now's the time for stressin' and obsessin'! Now's the time for dark circles under the eyes. Pulling out hair. Burning the candle at both ends. Sleeping in the office with video tape piled up around you. Now's not the time for giving two days off in between losses and after you threaten lineup changes.Now's not the time for inviting Roy Jones, Jr. into practice. Now's not the time to shuffle the lineup like a deck of cards without making sure every single player knows and understands what his new role will be in the change. I'm tossing the keys on the table here. Running out of things to blog at this point."

That's understandable. Hahn has been at this a lot longer than I have. But I'll trudge on in the meantime. Taking a daily dump on these fools who play for the Knicks is too much fun.

By the way, remember when Knicks-Bulls meant something special - the Garden going crazy, a super-intense matchup, a game that kept New York still for a few hours. Those memories are starting to get the dull patina of old age.

Next up: Kings at Knicks at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday.
Best-case scenario - Ron Artest makes a triumphant return to New York by scoring 38 and shutting down Jamal Crawford so completely that Crawford announces his immediate retirement.
Worst-case scenario - Ron Artest demands a trade to the Knicks and promises to pump some life back into the team.

Doonesbury Weighs In

2007-12-29T17:44:00.000-05:00

This Doonesbury strip comes from Alan Hahn's "Knicks Fix" blog at Newsday. It ran there several weeks ago, and I couldn't resist adding it here. Now IiW is strictly non-political, so just bear through the beginning and wait for the punch line in the final frame.

Bad Curry

2007-12-29T13:34:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Big Useless

One more thing about Eddy Curry. 82games.com did some individual defensive rankings back in summer 2005. Among the 43 centers ranked according to their defensive contributions, Curry was 38th, right ahead of Mark Blount and just behind Nazr Mohammed. Yeah, that was two years ago, but it's still a good indication of how worthless Curry is.

So let's go over this one final time. Curry doesn't play defense (Scott Skiles, his former head coach with the Chicago Bulls, once said he needed to put more effort into jumping), is a lackluster rebounder and is one of the biggest turnover machines in the NBA. He also has a big contract doling out $12 million per year, the worst +/- on the Knicks, a heart problem and no apparent desire to try harder.

And for all this, the Knicks gave up Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, a first-rounder in 2006 that became Tyrus Thomas, the switcharoo in the 2007 first round that netted Joakim Noah for Chicago, a second-rounder last summer that eventually became Kyrylo Fesenko and a second-rounder in the 2009 draft. In other words, the Knicks won't be done paying for this trade until 2009.

So to go with his nickname King of Turnovers, I hereby also decree that Curry shall be known as Big Useless.

82 Games

2007-12-28T17:47:00.000-05:00

Zach Randolph, the best player on the
Knicks, according to 82games.com

Remember that graphic from the Times a few days ago, the one that showed how Curry and Randolph played together using +/- data? It came from a site called 82games.com. I've now placed that site's Knicks page in my links at right.

Reading through it is a fun statistical excursion, with some interesting results. The two Knicks with the best ratings on the site are rookies Wilson Chandler and Randolph Morris, who both basically never play. So eliminating the garbage-time kids from the equation, only three players have a positive rating: Zach Randolph at 2.2, Jamal Crawford at 2.1 and David Lee at 1.3.

The rest of the Knicks? Well, they just are bad for the team statiscally. Mardy Collins bottoms out in the ratings at -21.5, while Malik Rose follows at -11.5. But those two don't play much, earning only 9 and 11% of burn time on the floor. The third worst player is a starter, though - Quentin Richardson, trailing the pack with a rating of -8.0. To provide some context, Spencer Hawes of the Sacramento Kings has the same rating. Players like the Hornets' Hilton Armstrong and the Bucks' Royal Ivey are a little bit ahead.

As for Randolph's team-leading 2.2, that's just a tad behind what Ime Udoka is doing for the Spurs.

Despite his low rating, Rose leads the Knicks in +/- with 22, though his playing time could easily make that a statistical anomaly. Only two other players are on the plus side, and they are - you guessed it - the seldom seen rookies again. Eddy Curry brings up the rear with an abysmal mark of -196, despite being on the floor only 54% of the time.

The site also provides stats for five-man groups to see who plays best together. Four of the top five quintets have a negative +/-. The lone exception is the group of Crawford, Fred Jones, Richardson (which is really surprising), Lee and Randolph.

Eddy Curry, "King of Turnovers"

And best of all, 82games just completely savages Curry. If the analysis is correct, he might just be the most useless player in the league considering his exorbitant salary. And that's not even taking into account his heart problems (medical) and his heart problems (motivational).

In an article from last March/April, Curry had the most offensive fouls in the league with 68 (far ahead of runner-up Amare Stoudemire). Randolph, incidentally, was third. Curry was also eighth in "lost-ball" turnovers (Randolph tied for ninth) and first in three-second violations with a stunning 34. 82games promptly gave him the title "King of Turnovers."

On a sidenote, Jamal Crawford was revealed as a particularly risky ballhandler. He led the NBA in palming violations and tied for sixth in double dribbles.

Assuming the Worst

2007-12-28T00:19:00.000-05:00

Orlando Magic 110, New York Knicks 96

It's not often that sportswriters go to a game assuming one of the coaches is an idiot. Despite any notions of impartiality, sportswriters certainly have some assumptions: Peyton Manning is a good passer, Bill Belichick knows what he's doing, Tiger Woods will probably pull away down the stretch.

But you don't see this often: The head coach is a raging moron, and we should have expected the worst.

But the age of caution is long gone in New York, especially when the Knicks are concerned. And sportswriters are gleefully unleashing some verbal uppercuts. The Post weighed in most savagely after Wednesday's loss to the Magic, with writer Marc Berman delivering this lede:

"Isiah Thomas' ballyhooed changes to the starting lineup last night caused more chaos and confusion."

But the article didn't end there. The hits just kept coming:

"With Thomas taking another page from the 'how-to-get-fired' handbook, the Knicks (8-20) notched their 20th loss last night, folding in the fourth quarter in a 110-96 defeat to the Magic at Amway Arena. The only thing Thomas accomplished was Curry and Randolph weren't on the court together all night. In the land of make-believe, this was unbelievable even by Thomas standards. After two days, Thomas stuck with his new starting lineup for two minutes. Then he had an entirely new alignment to start the second half. ... But after Curry picked up two fouls 2:06 into the game, Randolph was inserted and Curry was not heard from again. That is, until the start of the fourth quarter, when Thomas inexplicably attempted to defrost Curry, who was shocked to be put back in."

"How-to-get-fired" handbook, land of make-believer, defrost Curry - that's enough vitriol to make me giggle with pleasure. Add to that the hyperbolic, punny header: "Magic Kingdumb," followed by the equally insulting sub-headline, "Isiah Bungles Lineup Shakeup in Orlando." My only regret is that I didn't actually see the game, my night being occupied with prior plans.

Ken Berger of Newsday delivered an almost equally vicious lede in his gamer:

"Only the Knicks could make a drastic lineup change and have it blow up in their face in two minutes and six seconds. Only the Knicks could bench the wrong big man, anger both of them, bring the guy who should have been benched to begin with into the game after he'd sat for 34 minutes, and turn a three-point game into a blowout in the first 2 1/2 minutes of the fourth quarter. Confused? So are the Knicks. So, evidently, is the coach. Nothing makes sense with this team anymore, not after last night's inexplicable 110-96 loss to the Orlando Magic. 'We're all just trying to find answers here,' Knicks coach Isiah Thomas said. Sure. Wrong ones."

Howard Beck of the Times was a little more sedate, but even he had to offer some criticism:

"Coach Isiah Thomas furiously shuffled bodies all night in a vain search for an identity on a team that has none."

With blows this voluble landing, it seems fair to ask if the sportswriters were piling on. The answer is simple - of course they were, and the Knicks deserved it. What's more, piling on is fun in this situation. It's what this blog is dedicated to.

My last question was will Curry bit the dust? I'm still not sure if the answer is yes or no. Despite pre-game speculation almost unanimous on a switch of Curry for David Lee, Isiah kept Curry in the lineup over the far more productive Randolph, who was benched for Lee. But then Curry played less than five minutes overall, giving way to Randolph, who played most of the game and provided plenty of offense.

The other lineup change was even more surprising as the False Prophet put in Jared Jeffries for Fred Jones. No matter what Jones has done wrong over the past month, I think just about everyone knows that Jeffries is not the answer.

The important thing is that the Knicks are 8-20. Unfortunately, the pack of terrible teams is large this year, but New York has a good opportunity to secure the title of "Worst in the East" soon. The Knicks' biggest rival now is the Miami Heat, who are a half-game back.

Next up: Bulls at Knicks at noon on Sunday.
Best-case scenario - Jim Boylan's rise to head coach spurs the Bulls to a 40-point win. Buoyed by the success, the Bulls go on to sweep the Knicks over the season, ending with Viktor Khryapa dropping 60 points in a couple of months.
Worst-case scenario - The Knicks are so impressed they decide to trade their next two first-round picks for Viktor Khryapa.

Will Curry Bite the Dust?

2007-12-25T22:20:00.000-05:00

So by tomorrow morning's shootaround, we will all know what the hullabaloo's all about. Isiah Thomas admitted after the loss on Sunday to the Lakers that it was time to shake things up in the starting lineup.

Cue the thunder and drama. Almost all observers have assumed that Eddy Curry will get the hook and be replaced as a starter by David Lee. Unfortunately, this development has the real and very scary potential of actually improving the Knicks.

I mean, that's quite a notion - the only player on the team who clearly cares about winning should start. It only took Isiah four seasons to figure out that in the pampered NBA superstar universe, a big difference in effort and motivation trumps a small difference in talent.

Anyway, I enjoyed this article from the Times' Howard Beck about the problems of playing Curry and Zach Randolph (above left) at the same time. Some of the nice tidbits:

"Randolph (a power forward) and Curry (a center) are, of course, not the team’s only problems. The Knicks are terrible defensively, and have been for several seasons. They are stocked with gifted one-on-one scorers who struggle to mesh in a team game. They lack a true, undisputed leader."
...
"Thomas has promoted the idea that Randolph’s outside shooting ability makes him a complementary player to Curry. But all three scouts interviewed for this article disagreed."
...
"All three scouts recommended moving Curry or Randolph to the bench and minimizing their minutes together. Only one of the three scouts expressed any belief that the tandem might improve over time. Then again, the Knicks’ problems may be much bigger than their big men. The Pacific Division scout said the Knicks simply lacked an identity. 'Certain teams, you know what they do,' said the scout, pointing to Washington (which runs the Princeton motion offense) and New Orleans (pick-and-rolls with Chris Paul), among others. 'Everyone has principles or cores. New York, they’ve got a lot of individual offensive talent, but they don’t have, it seems to me, any principles, any cores.'"

No principles, no cores. That's a nice summary of the state of things in New York.

The graphic (above) that accompanied the article was also interesting. It's about time plus/minus was regularly calculated as an NBA stat like it is for hockey. Curry's mark of -11 overall and -16 while playing without Randolph is simply astonishing. He's also been on the negative side during every season in his career.

Hail the Daily News

2007-12-25T12:17:00.000-05:00

In keeping with the theme of Isiah Thomas' four-year anniversary over the weekend, check out this retrospective by Frank Isola of the Daily News. It opens with one of those classic attempts by Isiah to rationalize the mess he created:

"We started from deep, deep, deep in the hole. We started with a cap number that was probably the highest of any NBA team in history and a low talent level and a building that was empty. Now we have a building that is full, probably one of the most profitable franchises in the NBA. Our cap number's down and our talent base is good. We're young, we're improving and we still have a lot of room for growth. Now we've got to put some wins on the other side of the ledger."

Ah yes, winning - that's the only accomplishment Isiah and the Knicks are missing. Too goddamn bad it's the only important one. And by the way, what's the salary number now? Is Isiah even aware that the NBA has a luxury tax and not a salary cap?

Isola's column is a nice, albeit brief look back at four years that could be a primer on how to suck in the NBA. Some of the Isiah's early, stupid moves are now quite forgotten after the fiascos of Jerome James and Jared Jeffries in the past year. But Isola reminds us of the idiocy of yesteryear, highlighting such personnel gems as the Steve Francis acquisition. Good times. It also included a few moves I didn't know about, like Isiah firing Mike Saunders.

It's always fun to trash something in print (witness this blog). That's why movie critics love what they do. They find new putdowns for the latest on-screen dreck. But it's tough to rail against Isiah in an interesting and fresh way after people have been doing it for four years. That's why I liked Isola's column.

Also, major props to the Daily News for those "Fire Isiah" tearaway pages (pictured above). Yeah, it might not be impartial, but aren't we a little past that by now?

Four Years Gone

2007-12-25T03:00:00.000-05:00

Scott Layden was a terrible GM, but he has been completely
overshadowed by the Isiah Thomas crapfest.

December 22, 2003 - a date which will live in infamy for Knicks fans - was four years gone on Saturday. Do you remember where you were when Isiah Thomas was hired as the Knickerbockers' new general manager?

I remember exactly how I learned the news. Sitting at the kitchen table, home from college for winter break, my brother came storming into the room and announced the tidbit he had just gleaned from the internet: Scott Layden, the maddeningly quiet and shady presence in the luxury box had finally been fired. His four-year reign of idiocy as GM of the Knicks was finally over. It was a span that had seen New York transformed from a perennial contender into a yearly also-ran, and Layden, a product of NBA nepotism with the Utah Jazz, was gone. My heart filled with joy.

A second later, my brother delivered the crushing letdown: Isiah Thomas had been hired as the new replacement. Rarely has such sheer exultation and utter despair coexisted so closely in consecutive moments. Neither the Knicks nor I have recovered since that fateful day.

Above, from left to right, Isiah Thomas, James Dolan and Steve Mills, the Garden's President of Sports Operations, pose together after Thomas was hired as the new Knicks GM in 2003. The team has been a catastrophe ever since.

I knew my team was in big trouble immediately. Isiah's track record spoke for itself: complete failure at every job he took since hanging up his jersey (and that, of course, is a long, woeful tale for another time).

Since then, my worst fears have been confirmed. The execrable on-court product of the Layden era has now become an embarrassment to the city in almost all areas of the organization.

The biggest surprise is how much patience the fans have given Isiah, who seems to survive at times merely thanks to the sleazy charm of the bullshit, pasted-on uber-smile that has obviously melted James Dolan's heart.

Layden got four years, and that was probably two years too long for that dipshit. Now Isiah has passed that mark and appears secure for the future despite recently earning his 201st loss in New York.

Hasn't it been enough? When will the suffering end?

Links Are Up

2007-12-24T16:15:00.000-05:00

IiW's links section is up and features connections to such august sites at ESPN.com, SI.com and NBA.com. There are also links to the Knicks/basketball pages at the major area newspapers, including the Times, Post, Daily News, Newsday, Star-Ledger, Record and Sun. To whet your appetite, here's a column from the Post's Dan Martin in which Phil Jackson compares Isiah Thomas to George W. Bush.

Yikes. I'd probably avoid making the same direct comparison myself, but it's not the first time someone has linked the two (you know, for sucking at their jobs completely).

More links will be added. In the meantime, you'll notice no link to the Knicks' homepage. The reason is simple: I want to avoid sending anyone there and thus contributing any revenue to the Knicks through online advertising. Hey, we're all doing our part to make Cablevision crumble.

Fire Isiah

2007-12-24T00:43:00.000-05:00

What else is new, right? Don't we all sometimes wake up late in the night, with that familiar refrain singing in the closed chorus halls of our unconscious ... "Fire Isiah, Fire Isiah, Fire Isiah, Fire Isiah, Fire Isiah?"

Thankfully, The Onion is always ready at hand to satirize our worst and best excesses. Behold, a Knicks board meeting grows rowdy.

As for the chant itself, I feel it's growing a bit tired. Not that it should ever stop. Let the Garden rafters ring with our cries of ire and sadness. But we should all reward cleverness above all in sporting catcalls. Originality, too.

Well, I'm no master of brevity or the witty putdown. But there's a lot of material to work with here: anything negative about popcorn, how Zeke rode Laimbeer's coattails to two rings, the Pacers called and they want Isiah back because now they don't have an excuse for being mediocre. Any foible, any chink in the armor is fair game when the battle is against pure idiocy and incompetence.

Go forth, Knicks fans and warriors, and revel in the havoc you can create. When a tear rolls down Isiah's face during a game, we'll all go out for a drink ... and then burn him in effigy.

"And at 6:04 of the third quarter ...

2007-12-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles Lakers 95, New York Knicks 90

... we hear the first 'Fire Isiah' chants of the night."

So sayeth Al Trautwig, who stepped in for rare play-by-play duties beside Walt "Clyde" Frazier. Trautwig is always welcome. When he or Mike Breen are paired with Frazier, the game often sounds more like a baseball game (no, that doesn't mean it's boring). All three are comfortable and practiced enough to provide rigorous analysis while providing background information, stories and general thoughts about the players, teams and league.

But to get back to the point, I'm surprised it took that long given how lackluster the Knicks were throughout the early going. That deficit hit double digits early on and got up to 25 fairly quickly in the third quarter.

But once again, the Knicks had just enough life to avoid another juicy blowout and not nearly enough balls/clutchness/non-crapitude to take the final step and get a win.

Whew. The Knicks can't afford any wins right now. Isiah Thomas might get another contract extension.

My favorite part of the game, of course, was Clyde and Trautwig's discussion of how the Knicks players obviously don't give two shits. The venerable duo said they'd rarely seen a team so enervated and that opposing players were even beginning to comment on how lifeless New York seemed. As Clyde noted, players rarely criticize opposing players for not trying hard. The Knicks, it seems, are just so bad that other teams can't help but say something.

So Crawford shook off his phase of suckiness from the first half (remember that airball on the trey attempt) and netted 31 points. I still say he's a waste of talent.

Kobe Bryant was the true star, making all the big plays at the right times. He poured on 39 points, passing the 20,000 mark for his career in the third quarter as the youngest ever to do so. He also had 11 rebounds and eight assists and could have put together a triple-double if he wanted one.

Another highlight was Clyde saying that Eddy Curry could take advantage of his mismatch with Andrew Bynum because of the Lakers center's youth and inexperience. That was followed by Bynum promptly swatting away a weak shot by Curry, who spent most of the second half on the bench as usual. He's also in the picture above, presumably getting another shot blocked.

And then there was the final play, such a big screw-up and one of those moments of hilarious stupidity that only the Knicks could have made it happen.

From Bart Hubbuch's gamer in the Post:
"The Knicks' final sequence yesterday was poorly designed and even more poorly executed. In other words, it was a microcosm of their miserable season."

Well put.

Next up: Knicks at Magic at 7 p.m. on Wednesday.
Best-case scenario - Isiah cuts half of the roster then signs himself as a point guard, starting the game on the floor and then promptly tearing up his knee. His injury helps the Knicks rally Willis Reed-style to a two-point, triple-OT loss.
Worst-case scenario - Dwight Howard breaks Wilt Chamberlain's record of 55 rebounds in a game, finishing with 73 boards. He then swells into a new Godzilla-like creature and battles Matthew Broderick in the Garden's catacombs while trying to lay eggs.

Where the Knicks Happen

2007-12-23T11:42:00.000-05:00

Just one of my favorite videos of the past year, from the haunting piano solo to the picture of James Dolan mid-cackle in a hunched-over, Tim-Curry-is-evil pose. It brings tears to my eyes.

I think that "Knicks Happen" could become an alternate phrase for the classic "Shit Happens." It's sort of like how "Najeh Happens" became popular after NFL running back Najeh Davenport had his infamous defecatory encounter with a laundry hamper.

Vote for the Rebels

2007-12-22T16:55:00.000-05:00

Like Howard Beale (right), the half-crazed, world-weary news anchor played by Peter Finch in "Network," some Knicks people just couldn't take it anymore. And they decided to follow that desperate man's famous dictum:

"I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. ... Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. ... All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!'"

And now, you have the chance to honor those courageous few who have taken their protests to a new level. The New York Daily News is offering the chance to vote for Anucha Browne Sanders or the fan duo of Ed Barnes and Jason Silverstein as New York's sportsperson of the year.

Anucha, of course, sued Isiah and Dolan's asses for being a bunch of junior-high pervs. Barnes was the one who threw his jersey on the floor in disgust, while Silverstein held up a sign that said "Fire Isiah" and got booted from the Garden. I wonder how Garden security would handle the fans at big-time college football games. They'd probably have to kick everybody out eventually.

A Return to Normalcy

2007-12-22T16:44:00.000-05:00

Charlotte Bobcats 105, New York Knicks 95

Normalcy, in this case, being both a made-up word (damn you, Harding) and a state of complete shittiness.

From Viv Bernstein's lede in The New York Times today:
"The fourth anniversary of the arrival of Isiah Thomas as president of the Knicks comes Saturday without fanfare or celebration. Instead there is only more misery for the Knicks."

What a surprise. Did anyone really believe that a fluke victory over the Cavaliers on Wednesday meant anything? Apparently, yes.

"Thomas, who had questioned the team's heart before that game, seemed to believe the Knicks had turned the season around with that win. But Friday's game was another step back. 'It's extremely disappointing and puzzling,' Thomas said."

What, exactly, is so goddamn puzzling, Isiah? You're an incompetent idiot, and the team has sucked for four years. David Lee (bless his heart) catching fire for one game doesn't mean an epiphany has suddenly gripped the minds of Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, Quentin Richardson, Jared Jeffries and Jamal Crawford.

The 105-95 loss to the Bobcats had blowout potential early on, with Charlotte leading by double digits early in the second quarter. The hosts went up 71-44 early in the third, before Isiah pulled Q and Curry. After that, the bench players lead a bit of a comeback, rescuing Zeke from another 20+ point loss.

The Bobcats, of course, are 10-14 and fourth in the Southeast. But hey, that's good enough to beat on the hapless Knickerbockers (8-18 now).

My favorite part of Bernstein's article was the appended notes section that most newspapers attach to the end of gamers - the Times calls them "Rebounds":

"Isiah Thomas did not get completely away from the jeers and calls for his dismissal that come nightly at Madison Square Garden. One fan held a sign during Friday's game that read, 'Hey Isiah, Santa's got your pink slip.' There were a handful of chants of 'Fire Thomas.'"

I'm just absolutely delighted by this news. There are several possibilities here: The Knicks have fans down in Charlotte willing to go the extra mile to show Isiah just how completely he is reviled; hatred of Thomas has become a nationwide fad, a pursuit for the truly committed; Bobcats fans have seen how the Garden crowd gets its groove on every night and decided they needed to have some fun too. Good times all around. Plus, bonus points for the "Fire Thomas." It's good to shake things up occasionally from the somewhat staid "Fire Isiah." Let's get creative, people.

One final point. Where exactly was Howard Beck? Has the Times' beat guy just gotten so miserable watching the same putrefaction night after night that he just couldn't take it anymore?

Next up: Lakers at Knicks on Sunday at noon. Best possibility - David Lee smacks Curry upside the head instead of high-fiving during a substitution. Worst possibility - The Knicks win by 20, Kobe tells the media he's dying to play for the Knicks and Dolan announces his engagement to Isiah.

Four Years of Crappiness

2007-12-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

Today - Saturday, December 22, 2007 - marks the four-year anniversary of the Isiah Thomas regime at the New York Knicks. Up to this point, I was content to complain privately, unload my derision upon friends and mull in my anger and self-pity over how much Thomas and his evil overlord, Cablevision chairman and Madison Square Garden head honcho James Dolan (also known as the two morons standing to the right) have destroyed the Knicks.

Maybe the fans only fully woke up this season, but the idiotic duo that run the Knicks have been destroying the NBA's signature franchise since they came to power. The result has been a catastrophe, and there's no hope on the horizon.

Thankfully, I am now heaping my derision onto the blog-reading public. So enjoy all the ire, blather, head-smacking exasperation and seething rage I have that will be broadcast gleefully in the months ahead.

Well, let's begin.

-Blocho